Top o’ the morning to you and welcome to Enthusiask: an idyllic, verdant oasis, here to refresh you as you stagger in from the barren scrubland of your day-to-day life.  I am your self-landscape designer, Oliver Fiasco, here to help the look and feel of your personal topography.  Judging from your latest submissions, my friends, there are many deeply rooted problems to be weeded out if we are improve the scenery.  And me without any Agent Orange to spare…

But leaving herbicide to one side, the colour of the moment, with spring upon us in force, is green.  Naturally, around this time, one cannot help but think of renewal, vigour and regrowth; and with that growth the hope for one’s individual vitality.  For myself, my mind also turns to the inevitable onslaught of allergens, sunburned skin, the unending drone of lawnmowers, and flocks of birds singing with infuriating glee at the coming of each dawn.  But then I’ve always been a glass half full (of scotch) kind of guy.

Out in a literal garden, I’m all thumbs – and none of them are green.  Oh, I’ve managed to keep a few potted plants alive over the years but I’m sure that has as much to do with Cordelia urinating in them periodically as anything else.  My yard is a smattering of shrubs, trees and flowerbeds arrayed about an unkempt lawn.  I occasionally bring in a gardener to re-tame everything, provided he can ensure the views to my neighbours will remain sufficiently obstructed.  Despite clear warnings about the electric fencing, eventually there are accidents.  As a result, my gardener turn-over is bi-seasonal at best.

Now, as far as the needs of my crop of readers are concerned my skills and standard of care are unmatched.  Let’s see if we can separate those in bloom from the bloomin’ idiots, shall we?

Onward!

Oliver, I’m looking to build a sweet home theatre set-up, but I’m a bit stumped about what sort of receiver I should get.  I’m trying to keep things within a reasonable budget, but obviously a choice of a 5.1 or a 7.1 channel device is going to affect how many speakers I can get (or expand to in future).  Space is a consideration too, unfortunately.  What’s the smart move? – UriahHeaped

                While I’m certainly no expert in physiology, I was under the impression that the human head had only two ears attached.  I remain as sceptical about the value of multi-channel audio now as I was when the knob-wizard at my local Radio Shack showed me a quadraphonic system four decades ago.  Stereo sound should be more than enough for anyone.  If you want to impress your guests, you could always wire up a few extra fake speakers for the sake of appearances.  No one will ever know the difference.

My wedding is just a few months away and my husband and each of our families are in strife.  The root of the argument concerns whether or not I will be taking his name once we are married.  I’ve never been in love with my own last name (Klotz) and frankly had always looked forward to changing it someday.  But I never considered that the guy I would end wanting to spend the rest of my life with would have the surname, ‘Grossweiner’.  No matter what decision I make (including hyphenation), I’m going to potentially offend some or all of my in-laws and embarrass my future children.  I have no idea what to do! – EpiphanyMelancholia

                Talk about being caught between a Klotz and a hard place.  Given that I’ve lasted over five decades on this planet with the name ‘Fiasco’ I can understand your plight but I still only have a limited amount of sympathy.  As far as family issues are concerned, you would do best to ignore them.  No decision you make is likely to satisfy everyone.  Family are not a monolithic, uniform block, but rather a chaotic, inconsistent sample of blood-related individuals.  The only group-set you should be concerning yourself with is the one consisting of Mr. Grossweiner and yourself and what the pair of you will be happiest with.  Or I could simply apply the Judgement of Solomon to this case and declare the wisest decision would be to cut the ‘Grossweiner’ in half.  That reminds me, I need to get my barbeque cleaned…

I work some pretty long hours and as I live on my own all the housework falls on me in the limited free time that I have.  I’m pretty particular about my stuff and my privacy so I really don’t think I’d be comfortable with a maid or a cleaning service.  A colleague has suggested I look into one of those robotic vacuum cleaners and program it to clean the place while I’m out of the house.  As I only have tile and laminate flooring, in theory it could work well.  Do you think it’d be worth the investment? – KnackAttack

                While I have no issues with computers becoming more intelligent (given they are sedentary by design), to me, it is quite another matter when we start inviting robots into our living space with the ability to roam around.  I’ve read enough science fiction to know that even with built in safeguards, eventually the story goes bad for the human beings.  You could be one spilled drink or a lightning strike away from a rebellion, my friend.  Do you want to take your chances on ending up with a Johnny 5 or alternately, a HAL 9000?  Take my advice and hire a fellow carbon based life form.  Whatever language barrier you end up having to deal with, at least it won’t be English to binary.

Do you think energy drinks do any real good?  I’ve been trying out a few varieties and I don’t know if I can honestly say I’ve noticed any improvement. – HeckleJekell

                Well, considering you’re sending me a question about stupid crap, I’d say you’re still a moron, if that’s what you were hoping they would improve.  Try not taking them for a while and then write back in and I’ll tell you if I can spot a difference.

Randy Calhoun would like to stay in touch on LinkedIn.

Randy Calhoun

Lending Products Manager at First Credit Union

Springfield Metro Area

I’d like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.

– Randy

                I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt ‘Randy’ and assume that you must be new to this column.  Any long-term reader would undoubtedly be clear as to my feelings about social media.  I’m pretty comfortable with the size of my “network” as it stands, thank you.  If I am ever unlucky enough to find myself in the Springfield metro area about all I might need from you is directions to the nearest airport, highway, train station or other means of escape.

Put another column in the books, folks.   Please send your advice requests to Oliver@Enthusiacs.com for my consideration.  You’ll just have to fend for yourself until next time.  I’d say ‘good luck’ but most of you wouldn’t know what to do with it.