Enthusiask: Advice for the Holidays

ChristmasIslandRedcrab

This picture is funny. Do you get why?

Happy Holidays to you, and welcome to a special yuletide edition of Enthusiask.  I am jolly (relatively speaking) old (actually, more middle-aged) Saint Oliver, here with gifts of sound and sensible advice for the lumps of coal that pass as my readership.  Having trouble surviving the most challenging season on the social calendar?  Look no further.  Let my words guide you safely through the storm…a beacon not unlike…the tail-lights on my Buick.

Having lived through more than a few difficult Fiasco family Christmas adventures over the years, I am particularly well placed to expound on this subject.  In the Great Pilot Light Mishap of 2002, we learned that cellular phones pose no genuine risk of spark.  No, that day, the hidden menace that is static electricity proved our undoing.

One evening, back in the mid-90’s, the scratching noise that young Foster heard emanating from the chimney was not, in fact, Santa Claus arriving early for his cookies and milk, but a half-starved (and fully rabid) raccoon.  In an ironic twist, that same unwelcome visitor is now a permanent, mounted and stuffed fixture of my living room decor.

And we’ll never forget the last year that Great Uncle Morton was given the honour of carving the turkey.  He had never handled an electric knife before and nearly succeeded in cutting through the dining room table before being safely disarmed.

If ever year is a race than the Christmas holidays period is the final stretch…so what’s my best advice for making it through unscathed?  Hold your tongue; be civil.  This is the one time where the little transgressions that would normally send you into a blind rage should be tolerated or forgiven, in the spirit of the season.  You may well be wondering if I’ll be following my own advice over the coming paragraphs…well of course not!  We wouldn’t have much of a column if I did, would we?

Best of luck to you and your loved ones in 2015…if your performance in 2014 was any indication…you’ll need it!

Onward!

 


 

Oliver, I’m terrible with ideas for stocking-stuffers…what can you suggest for someone who wants to avoid being boring or predictable? – JohnWithTheWind

                Sometimes those tried and true choices are the right ones.  Make things easy on yourself – pick items that are going to fit in the stocking first and foremost.  And don’t be afraid to go with practical selections.  Tubular magazines, scopes, silencers, D-Cell batteries (people still use those, right?) are all useful and the right size and shape.

 ralphie

Over the last few years I’ve received more than a few Christmas presents that were less than overwhelming, to say the least.  Some I ended up selling, a few I managed to return without receipts, but most are sitting unopened, taking up space.  I’m wondering if you have a recommended policy towards the concept of “re-gifting”.  It seems silly not to at least consider it, as some of these gifts will be useful or appreciated to someone…just not me.  What should I do? – DownTownTron

                My rule with re-gifting old presents is that they need to cross generational lines.  If you receive a gift, in order to pass it on to someone else they need to be significantly younger than you.  The key is, wait for the item in question to age long enough that it becomes retro chic.  That old Sony Walkman you never used (purchased for you by some well-meaning elderly relative, just as compact discs started to take off) is now ironically cool.  Just ignore the black residue that those cheap, spindly headphones leaves on your ears.

 So remember that each time you receive a dud present you solve a Christmas gift dilemma of the future.

 

 

It never fails that on the night of Christmas Eve there is always an argument about which holiday movie to watch.  Between classics like “It’s a Wonderful Life” or “Miracle On 34th Street” and comedy favourites like “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” or “Scrooged”, our family can never decide without a long debate.  Is there a perfect choice that will make everyone happy? – HollyCranberry

                I’ve always considered National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation more of a documentary than a comedy, but I digress.

                Well, from my perspective, if there is one thing that the Christmas season has more than enough of already, its Christmas carols.  So if I’m going to recommend a Christmas movie, it’s going to be short on music.  Die Hard, Gremlins, Batman Returns, that sort of thing.  Not appropriate for the kids you say?  Tell them Santa won’t arrive if they don’t get to bed early – that line always worked on me.  Granted, in my case that was just an opportunity to spend most of the night trying to hear Santa sighting updates on my radio scanner, but I was hardly a typical child.

 Traditional_fruitcake

Christmas is a particularly challenging time to be a vegetarian, and this year will be no exception.  My in-laws are hosting and have offered to make a tofu dish, special for me.  I feel a bit awkward about it though…should I just skip tell them I’ll skip the main course and eat the fruitcake instead? -FruitSmoothie

                As I wasn’t exactly sure what tofu is, I decided to look it up.  Apparently it’s made from coagulated soy milk, pressed into soft white blocks.  I can honestly say I don’t think I’ve ever come across a food that sounds less exciting in all my days.  That having been said, it still couldn’t possibly taste worse than fruitcake, so enjoy it!

 

 

As if shopping and ideas for presents aren’t hard enough, but I’m constantly worrying if I’m spending too little or too much on individual people.  Is there a good guideline to use to decide what amount of money to set aside for Christmas gifts? – BarbCratchett

                I have a perfect system that never fails me.  I start with each person I’m buying gifts for and an amount of 200 dollars, set at January 1st of the year.  Then, over the course of the year, each time said person angers, disappoints or disrespects me I deduct a fine of 20 dollars.  As you can imagine, this involves the use of an extensive spreadsheet.  Then, as of December 1st, however many funds are left are allocated to a gift accordingly.  Given I keep meticulous records, in the event that a present is appraised as inadequate I can always refer the complainant back to the appropriate notes.

                How do I account for offences committed between December 1st and year-end?  I give everyone a free pass for one month.  I’m nothing, if not fair.  And no, I don’t treat relatives who have fallen into negative dollars amounts as owing rather than getting to receive a gift.  I merely ensure the value of what they receive is as close to negligible as possible.  My wayward nephew Foster should be especially glad of this interpretation, as otherwise by most summers he would already be under fathoms of red ink.

 


 

 

And here we are, at the conclusion of my last column for 2014.  Please submit your requests for advice, to be answered in the New Year, to Oliver@Enthusiacs.com.  In the interim, a special “Best Of” edition of Enthusiask will next await your enjoyment.  Now let me enjoy a well deserved rest…

 

(Well, did you get my clever little Xmas joke above?  The photo at the top is a Gecarcoidea natalis, more commonly known as a Christmas Island Red Crab.  Get it?  Because my logo for the column is a crab…and it’s Christmas!  If you can’t see the humour in that, go read a book or something, seriously.  I’ll try and dumb it down in 2015…)

 

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