Stand aside and make way for the expert: Enthusiask is about to begin.  Advice Inspector Oliver Fiasco is on the scene, here to assess the metaphorical foundation, load-bearing walls, floors and roofing that comprise the ramshackle structure of your lives.  What sort of figurative mould, termites, dry rot, infestation or shoddy wiring shouldI hope to discover this time?  Let us venture inside, together.

Some people claim that a house can never truly be a home without children.  In my own estimation this humble abode functioned more than adequately long before my nephew Foster ever graced its presence, so I’m not sure I agree with that sentiment.  Nonetheless, reproduction remains an indispensible necessity for the continuation of the species and sharing one’s living space with one’s offspring is a situation many of my readers appear to face.  With that in mind I though it appropriate to dedicate a whole column to the subject of parenthood and its attendant challenges.

I freely admit that I might not seem the most suitable candidate for this topic.  I once joked that Children of Men was my favourite film of all time.  I have little patience for youngsters in general, from Generation “Waaaaaa” through Generation “Meh”.  I keep a collection of colourful balls, missiles and projectiles that were unfortunate to have landed in my yard – so far no one has had the nerve to come calling for their return.

But I did have a hand in making sure Foster survived to adulthood in one piece.  I’d like to think I can take a considerable amount of credit for him becoming a (somewhat) productive member of society rather than the walking disaster he seemed destined to be upon arrival at my doorstep.  And how many of my readers have come to me to, in a sense, kiss their boo-boos and tend to their skinned-knees?  I’m at least an honorary parent, if not an official one.  So eat your vegetables, finish your homework and then sit quietly and listen to some worthwhile advice – consider it an opportunity for growth.

Onward!

My son hasn’t even reached high school age but is already angling to get a cell phone as a birthday gift.  My wife and I agree he is way too young, even if some of his peer’s parents are more permissive about this sort of things.  I’ve considered perhaps getting a pair of walkie-talkies for him to share with one of his friends as a compromise.  It sounds like an age-appropriate solution to me (I had them at his age myself)… what do you think? – RogerWouldco

Just make sure that whichever friend he intends to share a walkie-talkie with is a tough kid, because he’s going to need someone to have his back in all the inevitable schoolyard beatings they will be on the receiving end of.  You may think your idea is a clever solution, but I can assure you no kid that age will be fooled.  One needs to treat a child’s request for gifts in the same way a diner treats their specials board – no substitutions.  Take it from an uncle that is so fair from the outskirts of “Cool” as to be over the curvature of the Earth: you’re better off getting him nothing at all than expecting he’ll be happy with a bully-magnet.

Within a month my husband and I are having our first child, a girl.  We’re both pretty huge Disney/Pixar fans so naturally we’ve narrowed down our choices to, Ariel, Jasmine and Merida.  We have no idea how we’ll be able to decide, any advice? -PinkDiamond

So if I understand correctly, whichever of these sterling choices you go with, your daughter will be named after a princess.  Well, that certainly bodes well for future behavioural problems – you may as well call her Narcissa, Jezebel or Lucrezia.  Hope you like parent-teacher night!  If you want a compliant, well mannered child, start them out with a suitable name.  For a girl, I could suggest ‘Harmony’, ‘Peace’ or ‘Amity’.  When you’re enjoying all the quiet and tranquillity, you’ll thank me.

Our son is turning six shortly and the subject of sports keeps coming up.  Seems like it is fairly common in our neighbourhood to start enrolling kids in extracurricular sports at that age, and there is a wide variety of choices.   Neither my wife nor I were very sporty when we were younger so we don’t really have a preference or much knowledge to base the decision on.  I gather the priority is that he have fun and keep active, but we still feel like it’s important to get this right.  What’s the ideal sport for a kid that age, in your opinion? – VitalStats

I had a similar dilemma with Foster when he was younger.  I personally had no serious sporting history that didn’t involve either firearms or projectiles.  In place of that I decided to make my own fun for him, largely involving grading his chores around the house.  For example, how long does it take you to wash to dishes and can you beat your best time?  How heavy a trash-bag can you carry to the curb without collapsing under its weight?  How big a pile of leaves is necessary to break one’s fall?  In this way I was able to harness the spirit of competition and channel it into useful home activities.  I eventually had to desist when Foster started sending me excerpts from child labour law regulations.  He’s been weaselling his way out of hard work ever since.

A recent visit to our family optometrist has confirmed that our youngest daughter is definitely going to require glasses.  Unfortunately neither my husband or I or any of her siblings wear glasses so things are made even harder as she has no positive example to look to.  If she were a little younger I wouldn’t worry as much but I know they will potentially make her self-conscious and shier then she already is.  She is far too young to consider any sort of corrective surgery and contacts won’t be an option for at least a few more years of maturing.  How should be approach this? – IndigoSpectrum

Have you considered a lorgnette?  I doubt even a grade-school child could fail to look more mature and sophisticated with a pair of these dandies; she’d be an instant socialite and a trend-setter!  Yes, I know they’re probably a few centuries out of fashion but these things are cyclical and it’s only a matter of time until the lorgnette will have its day again.

I was shocked to find out that a videogame that I had purchased for my son has turned out to be a violent, bloody, horror show.  I was fairly clear when I was in the store in question that I was there to buy games for my son and yet the clerk at the counter didn’t seem to give a second though to whether or not this one was suitable for a child.  Now I have an annoyed kid and need to waste my valuable time making a return.  Where can I go do get reliable advice so this doesn’t happen again? – HotCollar1987

                Here’s a thought: instead of expecting some over-worked minimum wage space-cadet to do your job for you, howsabout you take some responsibility for these purchases yourself?  That smart-phone you’ve got burning a hole in those smarty-pants of yours is a computer, after-all, isn’t it?  If you can afford the time to put the necessary research into the fusion-powered, chrome plated, coffee pod accelerator that sits on your counter then surely the entertainment your child partakes of deserves as much attention?  The only thing you should be relying on a games retail employee to do is offer you an extended warranty or a hint book with your selection; unfortunately, children come with neither.

Another column has come to an end – and didn’t we all have fun?  Please send your advice requests to Oliver@Enthusiacs.com for my consideration.  Until next time, don’t take any wooden nickels…unless it happens to be a geocoin, in which case, good-hunting!