Looking for a head start at much-needed self-improvement?  Then look no further; join me for another edition of The Internet’s most under-appreciated column, Enthusiask.  I am your advice purveyor, Oliver Fiasco, here to provide you a figurative boot in the behind.  Those looking for a more substantial blow to the backside will need to look elsewhere.  I’ve got fewer kinks than the I-10 west of Phoenix.

Occasionally, a reader will ask why I don’t make the “natural” transition from advice columnist to life coach.  Couldn’t this genius be put to better use at shaping people’s lives in a more systematic way, rather than through short but brilliant snippets on a bi-weekly basis?  The irony is that while people clearly need me, I’m not particularly fond of people.  The thought of getting more hands-on doesn’t exactly appeal to someone who prefers to keep to themselves.  The personal touch, however, is a basic necessity of any coaching role, sporting or otherwise.  Admonishing someone to drop and give me twenty doesn’t have the same power over text, Skype or email.

Besides, in this section of the calendar – the busy season for advice experts – I’m harried enough as it is dealing with the fall-out from hundreds of poorly-thought-out New Year’s resolutions, self-pledges and promises.  The thought never crosses my mind that I’m not doing enough for wider humanity.  Sobriety, dieting, exercise, self-discipline: everyone is turning over a new-leaf, and I’m the one witnessing the worm-ridden decomposition underneath.

So don’t fret, Oliver Fiasco will not be abandoning his post for greener pastures anytime soon.  It’s clear that without my help, some of you wouldn’t make it to February intact.  Save the speaking engagements and seminars for the extroverts.  I may be an analogue man in a digital world but I must admit that thanks to these blessed ones and zeroes we’ll all get along much better at arm’s length.

Onward!

My fiancée and are inviting all our friends from our D&D role-playing group to our upcoming wedding.  Our first concern is whether or not we should just put them all at the same table at the reception?  They don’t really know anyone else who will be in attendance but we don’t want to look like we’re purposefully separating them from everyone.  A further question is how to we decide whether to sit them on the bride side or the groom side in the church?  They’re all equally friends of both of us so there isn’t a clear choice.  What’s the etiquette in this situation? – BridezillaMonsoon

                I don’t pretend to be well-read on the subject of Dungeons & Dragons, but I do remember quite a bit of the media coverage from the mid-eighties.  If I recall correctly, then you and your role-playing friends are likely to be struck down by righteous flames upon entering anything resembling consecrated ground.  My advice would be to switch to a town hall or perhaps an outdoor venue for the ceremony; less chance of immolation that way.

                Assuming you haven’t perished in holy fires and you all make it to the reception, your first instinct to keep this group apart is definitely a good one.  It would also be prudent to ensure there are a few games at the table to keep them occupied so there is less chance of them interacting with the other guests.  Do you really want to see your party’s Level 9 Barbarian doing The Chicken Dance?  Are you keen on explaining to Uncle Ned why the reedy gentleman with the cowl insists on playing five-finger-fillet with the cutlery?

Better to have them rolling dice quietly behind their wedding programs than nerding up your special day any more than necessary.  The saying goes, ‘You can choose your friends but you can also choose to hide them from your family’. 

I haven’t been into video games for many years but my grandson seems to have a burgeoning interest and I’m considering buying a new console so we can enjoy it together when he visits.  He seems to prefer the idea of an Xbox One, but I’ve got some concerns.  It looks like quite a few of the games he wants to play involve that Kinect thing with the eye that sits on the TV.  If it were up to me I’d buy the version that comes without it but as his grandfather I naturally don’t want to disappoint the kid.  I just feel uneasy about that damn thing sitting there all the time, watching and listening.  Everyone knows what the NSA etc. is capable of…I don’t know if I want to make it any easier for them to monitor me.  How do I ensure my privacy and still keep the kid happy? – CrossHairs

                And people think I’m paranoid?  Well, given you seem to be under the impression that various fictional scenarios could befall you then I’ll suggest some solutions ripped directly from the silver screen.  Better to speak in a language you can understand:

1. To fool the Kinect’s infrared sensors, slather yourself in cool mud to disguise your heat signature. It doesn’t necessarily need to be mud from a river bank.
2. Walk everywhere that is within line of sight of your console extremely slowly to avoid tripping the motion detector. You’re a grandfather, so you should have that slow, shuffle-walk thing figured out already. Just dial it down a bit further.
3. If you absolutely must move normally in front of the device in your day to day life, try and be wearing a tear-away latex mask and voice modulator to conceal your identity.  Using wire-harnesses to try and navigate over-top of its range is probably unwise for a man of your age, so try to hide in plain sight instead.

Or, you know, maybe, unplug the Kinect when you’re not using it?  Just a crazy idea…

My local game store has a midnight launch for a game I pre-ordered and I’m just dying to play it.  I’ve never been to anything like this before but friends of mine reckon there could be people lined up outside the doors six to eight hours in advance.  This wouldn’t worry me so much but unfortunately the store isn’t in a mall and it’s the middle of the winter!  Do you have any advice for surviving the elements or the challenges of the line itself? – VegetableLinguini

                With this tireless dedication to the retail experience on display, how can it be that the traditional brick and mortar stores are failing?  If you’re so incapable of delaying gratification until standard business hours, I suppose my main advice for someone in your position would be to wear a very warm pair of gloves.  As advanced as some of the control schemes for these new games are I’d assume losing a few fingers to frostbite would put you at a significant disadvantage.  A thermos full of coffee (or whatever mostly-warm-milk-plus-a-tiny-amount-of-actual-coffee beverage that passes for coffee with the kids these days) should help you stay the course as well.  Lastly, a ski-mask would be particularly helpful.  No, not to rob the store, and NO not even to keep warm – just to save you the embarrassment lest anyone that you currently respect spots you huddled outside a game store for a midnight launch.  Happy camping! 

Oliver, I’m barely three weeks into 2015 and I’m struggling to stick with the New Year’s resolutions I made.  How can I turn things back around?

                Well of course I had to address at least one of these desperate entreaties for guidance about a New Year’s resolution gone off the rails.  I’ll tell you the same thing I tell everyone.  If you find yourself slipping, convert to become an Old Calendarist and start using the defunct Julian Calendar.  You’ll immediately gain back about 11 full days that you can put to use correcting whatever bad habits you failed to tackle since January began.  If you’re really desperate, a step even further back to the Roman calendar will gain you an additional day or two.  Carpe diem!

I’m in the market for a new TV but I’m unclear how big of a screen I should choose based on the size of the room it will be in.  Is there any formula for getting this right? – Panoramadingdong

                The only question you should be asking when selecting a TV is am I strong enough to lift the damn thing off myself if I inadvertently have it fall on me when I charge at the entertainment unit in a blind rage?  Just trust me on this one.

And that wraps up another Enthusiask column, my friends. Please submit your requests for advice to Oliver@Enthusiacs.com.  And try and get to the point within a reasonable number of words.  A few of you should have included executive summaries with your emails to save me some precious time.