Hey kids, another Enthusiask, for your enjoyment and benefit.  Do you like PEZ?  Of course you do, since everyone loves candy!  Well, this is the one case where it’s okay to accept candy from a stranger because some delicious pellets of advice are coming your way: straight from the head of yours truly.  How’s that for a merchandising idea, Enthusiacs.com staffers? I’m game if you are!

On the subject of little pills, I’ve recently been prescribed something to curb what my doctor called “anger management issues”.  I had originally gone in to see him about a plantar wart I just couldn’t get rid of – next thing I know I’m holding a script for an anti-depressant.  He seemed a lot more interested in talking about the road-rage incident I had on the way to the appointment than anything on the sole of my foot, but, he’s the medical expert, I suppose.

Well, the strangest thing happened.  A few days after I had been taking the stuff, I sat down to respond to some advice requests.  I read back what I had worked on some hours later and found something just wasn’t right.  The advice was measured, even-handed, respectful.  The tone was gentle and reassuring.  It was like it was written by someone else!  In horror, I deleted it all and resolved to stop taking the drug immediately.

My dear readers, you need the real Oliver Fiasco, not some soft and fluffy, tranquilized version of me.  Someone who will tell you like it is and never minces words or coddles you when you’re acting like imbeciles.  From now on, I pledge you will get Oliver au naturel, completely chemical free.  Apart from alcohol, obviously, but that doesn’t really count.

Onward!

I am an avid gamer who desperately needs to get in shape.  I know there are a lot of devices, games and apps that I could use to make staying fit more fun and engaging, but I’m just overwhelmed by the amount of options available and I don’t want to spend a fortune.  What should I get? – BigZappa

There is no need to turn to modern gaming hardware to help with your fitness needs when so many perfectly affordable retro consoles will do the trick.  I can suggest:

• Find yourself a ColecoVision to help with grip and strength training. The controllers are so stiff and resistant you’ll look like Popeye the Sailor Man in no time.
• For lifting, the original Xbox is so large you’ll need a spotter to handle it safely. Try and bench one, if you dare!
• The Sega 32X is just rounded enough to possess certain aerodynamic properties, and I daresay you’ll want to throw it more than once after trying it. Unlock your inner discus tosser!

If all else fails and you just want to give the appearance of having exercised, go no further than the classic Nintendo Entertainment System.  With all the blowing on the end of the NES cartridges required to actually get them to work, you’ll be permanently out of breath.

I’m planning a TV show themed birthday party for my husband and the shortlist of choices is down to two of his all-time favourites: Dr. Who or Quantum Leap.  I’m struggling to decide, please help! – AffablyMarried

“Help” is clearly the key word here, and it’s not you that needs it.  I have another TV show theme in mind: Intervention.  In time, maybe he can have a normal life, with the support of his family and friends, and perhaps even enjoy the television programs that well-adjusted people watch.

The security of my home computer has me really concerned, and I don’t know to proceed.  There is a lot of sensitive information stored on it that I don’t want at risk.  Should I just trust the likes of Norton or McAfee or are there more thorough steps I could take? – HeartOfDorkness

Are those two fellows your roommates?  They do sound like pretty tough dudes but I believe you need something more reliable and foolproof.  In my case, my live-in nephew is actually part of the problem and my dog Cordelia is too narcoleptic to be of consistent help either.

Chains and padlocks are too bulky.  Motion sensors and alarms are tough to calibrate properly in a home environment, particularly if you have pets or small children around.  Electrified fencing is hazardous to delicate items like hard-drives or microprocessors and also unlikely to be permitted by local by-laws unless you’re in a rural area.

My personal solution has been to rely on the art of camouflage.  Calculating that the majority of prospective thieves are likely to be young males, I’ve disguised the exterior of my mini-tower case to resemble a laundry hamper.  It’s effectively hidden in plain sight.

Oliver, I need some advice about a girl.  I work in a small neighbourhood coffee shop and regularly serve this one cutie I often see wearing a Buffalo Bills hat or t-shirt.  I’m more of a nerd than a sports-fan but she seems really nice and I’m trying to summon up the courage to ask her out.  What’s the best way to make the approach? – SlyDevil

Well my first advice would be to work on getting a more manly profession, ASAP.  Barista doesn’t exactly scream ‘testosterone’ to a potential mate.  Something more sturdy and confident like a lumberjack or a fire-fighter or even a columnist, is the sort of job that gets respect.

But based on the information at hand, I don’t think you really need to shoot very high.  If she’s a Buffalo Bills fan she’s definitely used to disappointment.  Whatever meagre offering you put forward is likely to be enough to impress her, by comparison.

My YouTube channel is growing steadily but I really want to increase my number of subscribers more quickly and expand my audience.  How can I get it noticed and really raise it to the next level?  BTW if you could mention my channel in the column I’d really appr—- Screen Siren

I don’t watch excessive amounts of YouTube, but I’m noticing particular patterns in some of the more popular channels out there.  Here are several tips I could suggest:

• Whatever you do in your channel now, try to be drunk while you’re doing it from here on
• Are you humiliating yourself enough in each video? If you’re not embarrassed at some point you’re not doing it right.
• Make sure to wander off-topic regularly. Having a point is apparently over-rated.
• If you have friends join you when making content, definitely pepper in a lot of inside jokes that no one else could appreciate.
• Make use of cats/kittens in some manner. Borrow a cat if necessary. If the cat has more personality than you do, so be it.
• Be sure to focus on what you dislike over what you like. There’s nothing people enjoy more than finding out someone else hates the same thing that they do. Just be careful to hate it in the right way.

Best of luck!  Hopefully you have other skills to fall back on.  Having sampled a few of your videos I have to admit I was more entertained the last time emptied the lint trap on my dryer.

That brings us to the end of another column.  Maybe we can get back to more of your minutia next time?  I know I can hardly wait.  Please submit your requests for advice to Oliver@Enthusiacs.com and maybe try reading it out loud to yourself at least once before you hit the send button?  Sometimes a second draft with a bit of the crazy culled out might be for the best.