Snowed in?  Sick of being cooped up in your home?  Join me, Oliver Fiasco for a breath of fresh air, in another edition of Enthusiask.  Think of me as your personal advice Rescue Ranger, following your emergency flares of feeble, feckless frustrations, and then leading you back onto the path to civilization and normalcy.  No need to resort to cannibalism just yet – help is on the way.

Cabin fever is no fun, whether it’s the regular boredom-mixed-with-claustrophobia variety or the sort you get with a build-up of excess of mould in your air ducts.  The quickest cure, time spent outdoors, is unfortunately difficult to prescribe when weather conditions are so extreme one might be at risk of losing a digit or an ear.  Give thanks that you’re not my gormless nephew Foster, whose relationship with my dog Cordelia is so contentious that he is equally at risk of such injuries while indoors.

Like it or not, winter brings with it the challenge of entertaining oneself inside for extended periods.  Adequate supplies are important for physical survival, but don’t overlook your mental state.  In a world full of gadgetry and technological overstimulation it is wise to remember that under-stimulation has its own perils.

Take yours truly, for example.  I’m not so unlike the character of Jack Torrance from The Shining, in certain ways.  I’m a writer, I use a typewriter, I like peace and quiet and the occasional glass of bourbon.  But you won’t catch me frozen to death in a hedge-maze after going completely bonkers.  And why?  Because I take proper precautions: I’m stocked up on crosswords, Sudoku, puzzles, paint-by-numbers, search-words, etc.  Also, I don’t live in a house built over an Indian burial ground.  That’s important.

Idle brain-cells do the Devil’s work, so keep your mind thawed until spring arrives.  If all else fails, the back catalogue of Enthusiask awaits to help keep your sanity intact.

Onward!

I’m currently in the process of reviving my passion for classic, stand-up arcade cabinets.  My biggest limitation, however, is that my wife and I have a fairly small house and there is a premium on usable space.  We’ve agreed on a compromise position where I can have no more than five units.  It’s a pretty fair deal but I have no idea how I’m going to possibly decide on just five games, with so many amazing classics to choose from.  Where do I even begin?  Help! – CoinOpTilYouDrop

                From what I can gather, you shouldn’t be too hasty in assuming that space is your biggest limitation, my friend.  But I have a simple solution that will improve both your living space situation and your games dilemma at once.  You really only need one machine to resolve this – it’s an older fortune teller model called ‘Zoltar Speaks’.  Just put a coin in and make a wish to be a real grown up – by the next morning all your problems will be solved.

Oliver, an old friend of mine and I are attending a cosplay convention in a few months and the hotel situation is pretty dire.  We have no realistic choice but to share a room.  Only problem is, there is only one queen-sized bed.  As good friends as we are, the thought of sharing a room with him, let alone a bed, freaks the hell out of me.  We’re both pretty particular about our personal space and have vastly different routines.  Then there’s the question of what happens if one of us happens to get lucky at the con weekend…hmm.  Is there any best-practice room etiquette for these sorts of situations we should follow?  BTW, I attached a few photos of our costumes, hope you approve! – WagonWheelZee

                Firstly, having sampled the pictures you provided, let me say that neither of you has to worry about “getting lucky” at the convention.  So rest easy there, comrade.  As for how to manage the room-sharing situation, I believe there may be an alternative dress-up idea that will help you avoid any problems: authentic Ladyhawke cosplay.  During the day, one of you poses as Etienne, while the other sleeps in the room.  Then on the night-shift, the other attends as the lovely Isabeau as the former rests undisturbed.  A stuffed toy hawk or black wolf companion to complete the respective outfits adds the final touch.  The two of you will never cross paths except at dawn or dusk and your fellow attendees will applaud your commitment to the characters.  Happy cozzing!

After growing up a dedicated gamer, I’m now taking a games design degree at a technical college.  My skills in animation, programming and AI design are all coming along nicely but in the projects I’ve been involved in so far I seem to be having the most trouble with good writing or even coming up with an interesting story.  I’ve always respected your talents as a wordsmith, Oliver; what can you suggest I do to grow in this area? – OortCloudStrife

                Since when did video-games have stories?  But seriously, these days entertainment is so post-modern and nihilistic that if you want to get your game noticed, you’ve got to go a bit dark.  Pac-Man: he eats pellets because it’s the only thing that helps him get past the abandonment issues left-over from his childhood.  Space Invaders: wave after wave of unending alien attackers…what’s the point of even trying to save the Earth?  Frogger, that guy just has a death-wish.  As long as your game looks sufficiently pretty and the tone is miserable/bleak enough, it’ll sell like hotcakes.

My girlfriend has taken up knitting and crochet as a hobby and things are starting to get a little out of control.  Her first attempt was a very nice ‘Dr. Who’ scarf and since then she’s knitted something for just about everyone she knows.  Now she seems intent on making me an entire wardrobe –for example, I now own a pair of mittens for the first time since I was about five.  How do I politely decline further gifts without upsetting her? – DillyPickle

                Well, short of faking a yarn allergy, which might be difficult to pull off in the long-term, I’d suggest discouraging her from covering you up by giving her reason to keep you uncovered.  Start hitting the gym hard for weight training and build up some significant muscle mass.  Get yourself suitably chiselled and she’ll be unable to bring herself to even think of hiding your manly form under bulky layers.  Just stay away from any unnatural supplements, steroids and the like – as a dedicated Dr. Who fan, I’d suggest your testicles are already small enough.

The last time I bought a PC title from a particular game developer, whose name I won’t mention, it was a disappointing piece of crap.  I haven’t got much spare money to toss around on entertainment and as much as I want to try out their latest release, I can’t afford to waste 60 dollars or more on something that isn’t worth it.  Would it be reasonable to pirate the game in question, given my lack of trust and the fact I’ve been burned before?  I’ve never done that before but maybe it isn’t really stealing if they’ve stolen from me before?  What would you do? – EnglishRacingGreen

                By your logic, I should have snuck into The Empire Strikes Back based on how horrible Corvette Summer was.  If you’ve come here looking for someone to justify theft for you, I’m afraid you’re in the wrong place.  If I can forgive Mark Hamill, surely you can find it in your heart to properly pay for products like a law abiding citizen.

                If you’re out there Mark, please accept my apology.  I was young and a fiery letter-writer even back then and you bore the brunt of a heat-seeking missive.  Please know that these days I save my gift for razor sharp insults for the people who deserve it most: my audience.  May the Force be with you.

That will do it for another column, dear readers.  Join me again at the appointed time and place. Please send your requests for advice to Oliver@Enthusiacs.com and I will endeavour to grant a small but worthy selection of you a few moments in my helpful spotlight.