Welcome to the Attic! “You don’t… get it… do you? This house is pissed. It has no morals, cuz it’s a fucking house!” … *facedesk*

Remakes are a growing trend in not only the horror genre, but in the entire movie industry itself. However it is most predominant in scary films, where it seems much harder for people to come up with new ideas. Or possibly it’s laziness. It’s like the approach these days is “well we just need to scare people so new ideas aren’t needed.” Now as I’ve said before, some horror remakes have improved on its predecessor by making them scarier and smarter, but others… others leave you scratching your head in bewilderment as to what the point was. Shot-by-shot carbon copies simply leave you feeling let down at the lack of creativity, not to mention what the point was in re-filming a movie in the exact same way it originally was. The rest? They take far too many liberties and butcher the name of a classic horror film. It is a fine line to walk and where some succeed, many others fail. Here is my list of the top five worst horror remakes.

5. Thirteen Ghosts

When you think horror films, many of you don’t think of, or even recognize, the name William Castle. I was raised on classic sci-fi and horror films so to me, he is the man. He was the first to take horror movies and use gimmicks like props and shock surprises in theaters to create a buzz around his movies. When you look at modern tricks like Blair Witch’s ploy to make people believe the story and found footage were real going into it, you have to look back on the origins of these types of tricks. You can now look back at William Castle and thank him. 13 Ghosts was one of my two favorite movies of his. It surrounds the story of a family about to lose everything when they inherit an old house from the father’s uncle, an inventor who has passed away. They also inherit “glasses” that help you see the dead.

Castle’s trick here was for every moviegoer to receive a Ghost Viewer similar to those 3D colored glasses we saw in later days.. but it wasn’t for 3D here. The movie would prompt you when to use the viewfinder. Now if you looked through the top side (red) it would allow you to see the ghosts on screen, while if you looked through the bottom (blue, if you were a pansy) it wouldn’t show the ghouls on screen. Aside from gimmicks, the movie itself is very good. It’s a creepy old haunted house movie in black and white. It’s classic. It’s fun. The remake is an atrocity. It makes me violently ill. They didn’t change everything, but they changed enough to make this a gory, cheesy, stupid, awful disgrace. Ugh, moving on…

Now you see ’em… now you don’t!

4. Carrie

Why? Just why? It’s not awful, but it seemed kinda lazy. They didn’t change anything, they didn’t add anything. Unlike some other horror movies, there is nothing to correct with Carrie. The only thing that stands out to me is Julianne Moore, who is brilliant and almost lives up to the legacy left behind by Piper Laurie. This remake is creepy and fun to watch, but if you have the desire to watch Carrie.. why not watch the original which did everything the same, but better? If you’re not going to make something scarier, leave it alone. We don’t need to remake EVERYTHING. Sissy Spacek’s eyes are what made this movie so hauntingly memorable for me. The first time I watched this I was home alone on a Sunday morning at around the age of 12 or 13 and it scared me. When she snaps she SNAPS. Chloë Grace Moretz is really good, to her credit, but there was no hope of anyone living up to Sissy.

Almost… not quite

3. Psycho

Speaking of not needing to remake everything… Who in their right mind thought a Psycho remake would be a good thing? Who got dropped as a baby and thought “Hitchcock…? I can do better!” Actually, no, you can’t. Especially if you do a COMPLETE shot-by-shot copy of the original and hire actors and actresses that will act and read the lines the exact same way as the original cast did. If you’re hiring Vince Vaughn (who I love, by the way, it’s not his fault this all happened) to play Norman Bates, allow him to be his own Norman Bates. Poor Anthony Perkins, may he rest in peace, was an absolute genius. His scenes with Janet Leigh before she gets killed in the shower (spoiler alert!) are nothing short of mindblowing. When I think of brilliant actors completely taken over by their character I think of that scene… He has a sort of monologue while Leigh nervously nibbles on a sandwich and it is amazing to watch. This remake was so absolutely unnecessary it’s ridiculous.

No. Just no.

2. Halloween

Oh, Halloween. You are my favorite horror movie franchise… and then Rob Zombie had to come along. I’m sure he’s not a bad filmmaker, but I can’t say because I haven’t seen anything else he’s done except for both Halloween remakes. He took a classic and made it grungy, trashy, dirty, and beyond bloody. It’s disturbing, and not even in the fun way. One of the things everyone raves most about the original is the fact that it is an example of how scary and amazing a movie can be without over-the-top gore. Rob relies far too heavily on gore, and it just kills the spirit of it all. If the intent was for him to make it his own, fine. He succeeded in making it a Rob Zombie “reimagining,” it’s just not for me. Do it, Rob, but do it on your own movies and leave my favorites alone, kthanks.

1. House On Haunted Hill

Ok, here we go. The horror remake I despise the most. I need to take a breath before I write about this one…

Earlier on my list I mentioned William Castle. He was a genius and paved the way for modern tricks to get people into theaters and believing something may be real, even if just for the duration of the movie. I have said so many times before that I was raised on classic movies, and House on Haunted Hill was a regular in my house growing up. When you combine a haunted mansion that people are locked in overnight, a fantastic cast, and the right story, it can be magic. When you headline the cast with the legendary Vincent Price, you have everything. This movie is not scary, but I bet when it was released in 1959 it creeped some people out. I can’t say enough about this movie. It’s interesting. It takes turns in the plot you really don’t see coming. It’s creepy and classic and just fun enough without being silly. Did I mention it has Vincent Price? This remake makes me sick. I don’t get it. You don’t give a damn about anyone in the cast, there’s no creepy leader in the story like Price’s Frederick Loren. Terry Castle, the daughter of William Castle, co-produced this movie, as well as Thirteen Ghosts. Sometimes, the apple DOES fall far from the tree. Don’t ever give your money away to see this remake. Go to Amazon and buy the original on DVD for under $10. One of my fondest memories as a child is turning the lights off, making popcorn, and watching House on Haunted Hill. Pure joy. Go watch it. Now. Shoo. It’s amazing. The remake is a joke.

DAFUQ is that??

So that’s it! The five remakes that make me want to rage and throw things and scream at the top of my lungs “WHY??” I hope you had fun reading my rants, and learned from my experiences to avoid these movies. This weekend, stay away from the theaters, buy some classics and enjoy the fun.

You can follow the links here to buy the originals from Amazon.com:

13 Ghosts
Carrie
Psycho
Halloween
House on Haunted Hill

Stay scared,
Dark Princess