Ladies and germs, step right up and feast your eyes on the spectacle of strange that is Enthusiask.  I am your advice ringmaster in this bat-shit big-top, Oliver Fiasco.  Rather than feats of skill and daring mixed with slapstick and frivolity, I offer you a different manner of show: one of human dysfunction and maladaptation.  The high-wire act has an inner-ear infection.  The buffoons in the clown car all suffer from claustrophobia.  The lion tamer fears confrontation.  The poor elephant bemoans his strict legume-free diet on account of peanut allergy concerns in the workplace.

You could say it’s more nine circles of hell than a three-ring circus.  Yet in the midst of it all, I, your trusty master of ceremonies, the P.T. Barnum of advice columnists, am here to ensure the show goes on.  Or, at least to give my correspondents a sadly needed, metaphorical rolled-up-newspaper-of-truth across the snout…

But, Oliver, you may protest, surely you exaggerate?  I’m certain all the advice requests in this column are reasonable and will be from people deserving of empathy and understanding?  If you believe that, then there truly is a sucker born every minute.  Please, take your seats!

Onward!

I recently introduced my girlfriend’s 6 year-old son to an Xbox 360 for the first time. He absolutely loved it and couldn’t get enough. Since then, she tells me that I have “ruined him” because he asks her if he can play on it all the time. I feel that I shouldn’t have to justify letting him do something he enjoys, but I have told her that I saw improvement in his eye-to-hand coordination (which is true) and that he is learning problem solving skills. As long as he plays in moderation and gets all his school work done and occasionally plays outside in the hot southern summer, have I really “ruined him”? –Young Sammich

I have to say I’m firmly in your corner on this one.  Videogames are indeed a great outlet for personal growth and education that no right-thinking parent should overlook.  How better for little junior to gain useful knowledge like:

• The differences between a “good” mushroom and a “bad” mushroom
• Managing recoil and the advantages of burst-fire
• Prioritization: should you steal a man’s car OR beat him up and THEN steal his car?
• Crates, barrels and boxes as an excellent source of supplies
• The importance of ammo conservation
• Finding weak-points in your adversary, and exploiting them

Far from ruining the kid, videogames are going to help prepare him for life in the wider world.  Besides, he is going to need something less strenuous to do indoors when he’s recovering from heat-stroke and sun burn in whatever scorched outpost you’re writing from.

You could say I’m a “visibly nerdy” guy in addition to being skinny and sleight of frame.  It’s become apparent that I’m a tempting target of bullies and trouble-makers.  I now live near a college campus and there have been more than a few troubling incidents in the brief time since I’ve moved into the neighbourhood.  I’ve watched my share of action films and read tonnes of comics and naturally, the thought of learning a martial art has crossed my mind.  What can you suggest as the most practical option for geek self-defence? – WatershipDune

Kung-fu offers a variety of forms, many based off the characteristics of animals.  The key is to select an animal with traits and strengths that suit you best.  Given your body-type, I would suggest the little-known Stick-Insect form which involves staying perfectly still against the surrounding foliage.  I guess what I’m telling you is your best bet in a fight is to hide in the bushes.

But consider a different type of Chinese wisdom, advice from Sun Tzu’s, The Art of War – “The greatest victory is that which requires no battle”.  Question: What do meat-head college thugs fear the most?  Answer: Sobriety.

Prominently wear a “One Day at a Time” button on your shirt for all to see.  If they ask you your name, you say “My Name is Watership and I have a drinking-problem.”  If they ask you where you’re going, you say “to a meeting.”  You could even jingle a few A.A. chips playfully in your hand for effect.  These Neanderthals will have so much difficulty processing the concept of an alcohol-free existence they will recoil from you in horror and flee before ever raising a fist.  No need to thank me, this is what I do!

My two kids are nearing the age when I first got into Star Wars (the original trilogy) and I have a dilemma.  The new “prequels” are obviously set chronologically first…so it would make some sense to start them off watching those.  But it would make perhaps an even stronger argument to show them the superior original trilogy to ensure their first impressions of the franchise are good.  I know I have my own biases but this isn’t just another series of films – this is Star Wars and of course I want them to love it as much as I do.  What’s the best move? – DadMoffTarkin

Suddenly everyone needs parenting advice?  I may have become my bumbling nephew’s father figure by default but it’s hardly a role I feel an expert at.  Face it chum, your kids are going to like what they like.  I mercilessly teased Foster for collecting the figurines and busts of comic book, cartoon and videogame characters he had assembled as a teen and ten years later his room still has more statues in it than The Met.

And positive reinforcement does no better.  When he was younger I’d let Foster fire my compound crossbow when his grades were adequate or he’d kept his room clean, as a treat.  And what did he do when he was old enough to buy one of his own?  He gets a recurve crossbow.  I know, right?  It’s like everything I say goes in one ear and out the other!

There’s no right answer here, I’m afraid.  Just hit your knees at night and pray they don’t turn out to be Trekkies.

Oliver, I’m having some ‘control’ issues.  I never got used to my pointing stick, as I found the pressure sensitivity too hard no matter how I treated the nub.  I’ve experimented with a track ball and it was smooth but it never felt comfortable in my hand. What do you think of touch-pads?  I figured I’m pretty good with my fingers so I could swipe with one digit and tap with my thumb.  The button near the box is never quite big enough though and I find it easy to miss the spot.  I don’t want to have to invest in expensive devices but nothing is getting the job done.  Help! – JiminyClickit

You readers give me far too much credit.  First parenting tips, now sex advice!?  Judging from the sheer variety of physical hardware you’re describing I’d have to guess you’re a hermaphrodite.  More power to you friend but I’ve got no useful perspective on your problems.  Might I direct you to the proprietor of SexFornoobs.com, Dr. Cassie.  During her time on the long-running call-in cable access program, Strange Bedfellows , she encountered every variety of sexual issue known to humankind.  I’m certain she could answer your question discreetly and professionally.  Well, as professionally as someone without a valid medical license can these days.

I’ve started getting into table-top war-gaming and, by extension, painting the figures and models for my army.  I’m just wondering what is the best method to clean my brushes and keep them in good condition.  Alcohol?  Turpentine?  Distilled Water?  Dish soap? – ChronoCommander

The purest liquid of all, Chrono: the tears your mother cries at the massive disappointment her son turned out to be.

That will wrap the car-wreck up for this time.  It’s a bit disappointing to see it was a total sausage-fest this column – no female content in sight.  Come on, ladies, I know you’re every bit as damaged and lost as the guys are.  Show us what you’ve got!  Submit requests for advice to me at Oliver@Enthusiacs.com  and please, no requests for “shout-outs”.