Quiet down, students, another advice column with Professor Oliver G. Fiasco is now in session.  As usual the curriculum has been tailored to suit your special needs.  You can look forward to such subjects as:

• Common Sense for Dunces
• How to Get Your @!#?@! Together
• Life Skills for the Permanent Adolescent
• Small-engine repair

Actually, now that I look at it, that last one might be better left for an advanced course.  You’ve got to crawl before you can walk, I suppose.

It’s natural to think about to my own past experiences in education with the back-to-school vibe in the air at this time of year.  It may be hard to believe but I was not always the well disciplined, erudite and virtuous figure that so many now turn to for answers.  Young Oliver was a frustrated, at times combative wunderkind, who strained at the limitations teachers and other authority figures in his world placed on him.

My prodigious talent for advice and creative genius appeared at such an early age, the adults around me didn’t know how to react.  Mrs. Danvers undoubtedly acted out of confusion when she sentenced me to a week’s detention for calling Charlotte’s Web “a heap of boring crap about a pig and spider.”  I really can’t blame her for being shocked that a seven-year old would have such a firm grasp of literary critique.

The vice principal of my elementary school was equally befuddled when he found the manned flying machine I was assembling on top of the gymnasium.  What should have been a project worthy of extra credit (given my inventive marriage of da Vinci’s and Wile E. Coyote’s designs) instead earned me a suspension.  I can’t help but think that the result may have been more in my favour if my science teacher had made the discovery.

The lesson to take away from my personal journey is to have patience and find your niche.  I believe we all excel at something, in this life.  Here at Enthusiask, my readers and correspondents have a knack for being dim…and I am the light that leads the way.  Synergy at its very best!

Onward!

Disaster!  I had a food-related accident on the couch (vegetable chilli went everywhere) and now my laptop is beyond repair.  Now I’m in the market for a replacement device, and I’m torn between a new laptop or perhaps a tablet?  Maybe I should pick the one that’s easier to keep clean (ha ha)?  Not sure what would be the best choice… – FaustMulder

                Yes, by all means, don’t modify your behaviour, just buy a more spill-proof computer and keep on acting like slob.  Why not attach a feedbag to your ears and wear a beer-can hat so you can eat, drink and free up your hands for typing altogether?

Food is for the dining table, sofas are for sitting.  Pastas and chillies in particular are not meals suited for multi-tasking.  Be sensible: tuck in that napkin and get prepared for the deluge of stains coming your way.

I’ve started to develop an interest in racing games, but while many are fun and impressive to look at, I’m looking for something more rewarding.  In your opinion, what would be the most challenging one out there? – LeadfootLaydee

                I’ve tried Pole Position to Rad Racer to Gran Turismo but no video game experience has ever given me a feel for the wheel that instructs quite like the real world.  Sliding on black ice, losing control while hydroplaning, swerving to avoid being cut off, these are the trials that really make a driver out of you.

Most weeks I put myself through one test in particular that has honed my skills like no other: steering a rickety-ass shopping cart through my local supermarket.  Between the rampaging toddlers running loose, the elderly, cruising at quarter speed, and people generally not paying attention where they’re going, it represents a never-ending course of obstacles to avoid.  After ten years of shopping, my reaction time and spatial-awareness is such that I could conceivably thread a garbage truck through the Nouvelle Chicane at Monaco.

For an extra challenge, try picking a cart with only three functioning wheels.

I’m DMing a new Dungeons & Dragons campaign with a group of friends and after only a few nights it was clear there are big problems.  It seems they have agreed amongst themselves that my style of running the campaign is too ‘hardcore’.  A few player-characters have already bit the dust and I’m being accused of focusing too much on killing the participants rather than making things enjoyable.  I just think their old Dungeon Master was a complete push-over and they can’t take the heat.  I don’t want to completely water things down but I don’t want them to quit either.  What should I do? – Ragnarockbottom

                I’m no role-player and I’ve certainly never “run a campaign” but your reluctance to tone things down speaks to a bloodthirsty streak in you that you may wish to examine.  It sounds like you’re a young psychopath holding a magnifying glass and your friends are the ants.

Why shouldn’t everyone have a good time?  Dial back on the indiscriminate slaughter a bit.  If you must insist on being a sadist, why not work that energy out in the bedroom like normal people do?

A nostalgic afternoon with ‘Duck Hunt’ brought back some fond memories for me a while ago.  I’d like to have more fun with light guns but I don’t know where to start – any advice for me, Oliver? – PewPewLazer

                Having spent many an hour behind a waterfowl blind with a heavy, cumbersome shotgun, I can sympathise with the desire to look into smaller or lightweight arms.  You don’t need to worry about looking macho or not with some big and unwieldy firearm as there are plenty of practical options.  Carbines are a shorter alternative to long rifles.  Subcompact Glocks are even smaller and lighter than the standard versions, and just as durable.  A shorter barrelled shotgun with a telescoping stock will be a significant weight reduction over traditional hunting guns.

And speaking of tradition, don’t let an unconventional choice in a weapon stop you from enjoying hunting on your own terms.  In the end, if the duck is dead on the ground, who cares if it was bird-shot or a derringer than took it down?

Mr. Oliver Fiasco,

We have someone close to you. If you ever want to see them alive again you are to do the following:

1. Payment of $125,000 USD in non-sequential currency no larger than twenties must be made within 48 hours.
2. Place the sum of monies within clear plastic Tupperware boxes to ensure that no tracking or tracer devices are hidden within.
3. We will then e-mail you the coordinates for package delivery. You will wait at the designated point until our secondary parties confirm is given that A: The agreed to sum is counted and B: You have come alone.
4. We will then give you a set of secondary coordinates leading to your loved one.
5. Do not deviate from this plan. Do not contact the Police, FBI, CIA, HSA, CIS, JAG, PETA, SPCA, ELF, or any other neo-political activist group in or around the planet Earth. If we suspect that you have, the deal is off and you not only jeopardize the life the hostage, but we will, upon the request of our benefactor “Mr V.”, release compromising pictures of that time you got extremely intoxicated at the office party of 2010.

Honestly, that was…. how can you live with yourself? And that thing that you did with…just, never mind. You need help. Seriously.  You have 5 hours from when you read this e-mail to comply.

(Also, what is the best way to get red wine stains out of double stitched Persian carpet?) – ML4Truth

                At times like this, it is best to stay calm, and not to panic.  You might be feeling like you’ve done something irreversible but you need to trust me when I say there is a way out.  Keep a cool head and don’t do anything irrational.

Simply apply vinegar, baking soda and laundry soap in that order.  A few minutes to soak in then scrub, rinse and repeat as necessary.  That stain won’t stand a chance.  Remember to breathe!

PS – and if it’s my missing garden gnome you’re referring to, you can keep it.  Damn thing belonged to my ex-wife and the yard looks better without him.

And with that, we arrive at the end of another column.  Submit your requests for advice to Oliver@Enthusiacs.com where I will do my best to attend to all worthy emails.  If I don’t get to your email, well I guess you can make some conclusions about your worthiness, if nothing else.