Welcome to Enthusiask, I’m your humble guru, Oliver Fiasco, FNSS.  The folks here decided they wanted to dress up the place a bit by having someone with some credibility dispense wisdom, week-to-week.  Whether I can keep up the pace of a regular advice column depends largely on how much I can stand reading these insipid questions (much less respond to them) and how much free time I have left-over after court-mandated community service.  And before you ask, all I’ll say on that matter is that if you’re going to sell homemade rhubarb sauce at a county fair, just remember the leaves are a little bit toxic.

As much as I’d like to narrow the field of advice to more important subjects like cartridge rim type, trailer hitches and beanbag furniture repair, the editorial staff at Enthusiacs want me to stick with games, movies, television, comics and the like.  Which is what the kids are into I suppose and who am I to argue?  There must be something to it for all the money I see my useless nephew/roommate, Foster, spend on “entertainment”.  How he manages to stretch a janitor’s salary so far, I’ll never know.

As an introduction, I’ll tolerate a few personal questions, but in future let’s keep it to whatever hobbies you sad-cases are interested in and leave me out of it.

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Oliver, how do you keep your finger on the pulse of games, movies and popular culture? – Xen2112

My no-good nephew Foster works a night shift at the free clinic, so I’ve got an eight-hour window to play games or look though his blu-rays and doll collection.  “Figurines” or “statues” he calls them, but I’m no fool.  Through this crud-stained window, I gain a glimpse into your imperfect world, for about as long as I can stand.  Some of it sticks, some of it doesn’t.  I hear the human brain only has so much room and your bulldust isn’t exactly mission critical, if you follow me.

What is the writing process like for this column? – TotaledDowner

Periodically, one of the cretins over at enthusiacs.com summons the courage to place a manila folder, brimming with your correspondence, on my front stoop before Cordelia, my Maltese/Dire Wolf cross, chases them off the property.  After downing a low-ball of Glenfiddich, lemon juice and warm maple-syrup, I sit down at my Remington and work my magic.  That’s a typewriter by the way, not a shotgun (my shotgun is a Mossberg).  Once the column is sufficiently polished I then translate the entire piece into code using an old Enigma machine I purchased from an army surplus store.  You can never be too careful with internet security, that’s my motto.  Lastly, I then roll the coded column tight, secured with a discarded cigar band, and drop it into an empty 1.5L bottle of Fresca.  Safely disguised in my recycling bin, the column is rummaged out at the kerb in the cover of darkness by an Enthusiacs operative, who, armed with the necessary enciphering tables, uploads the finished article for your enjoyment.

‘Fiasco’ is certainly a very unique surname, what is the origin?  – NghtTrror

Not that it’s any of your business, but it happens to be Italian.  It roughly translates to… “everything is going just fine” , “nothing-to-see-here”, “that certainly went well”, or something of the sort.  Why exactly am I explaining my pedigree to someone who never learned to use vowels?

With all the talk about Oculus Rift recently, what do you think about the spread of VR in gaming? – Samwyze1994

I’m going to assume I’m a generation or two ahead of you but this advice applies just as much today as it did when I was a kid – play safe!  Gaming is fun and you might be lucky to make a really special friend out there.  And sometimes special feelings lead to special times and…specialness…but you need to remember to wear protection.  I know you think the school nurse was just a drag but the old gal probably knew a thing or two about VR – it is a serious problem.

At this risk of giving TMI about VR, in all honesty I’ve never experienced an Oculus Rift, but I have had a hemorrhoid or two in my time.  If those are anywhere near as painful then you want to steer clear of the sort of VR that can cause that my friend.

Do you attend any conventions/comic-cons/trade-shows? I’ve never been to one and I’m wondering which would be the best as a good starting experience.  BTW I’m in the US, on the West Coast, if that helps. – Skuttlebug

Let me break it down for you, Buggy.  I’m not much for dealing with people.  The only thing worse than people is crowds of people.  Spreading my disdain for others around, parcelling it out in bite-size chunks of hate, that’s a lot of work.  I prefer the pure repugnance of one-on-one, basic human interaction.  So if you have any sense you’d be aiming for the smallest, most poorly attended events around.  I might make a few suggestions:

Ferret Fest

Rubix Cruise

Needlepoint Nexus

Ouija Board Bash 2014 (Contact at your own risk)

WKR Spree in Cincinnati

Mad Max Beyond Thunder-con

Alright, I admit it, that last one does sound kind of cool.

Come to think of it Bug, if you’re on the West Coast, rather than all this crap, you should probably be spending your spare time preparing for the impending mega-Quake and stocking up on provisions.  Life is about priorities!

The Amazing Spider Man 2 lays the ground-work for the appearance of the Sinister Six, confirming an earlier announcement of a spin-off movie by Sony.  Are you excited, and what supervillains would you like to see in the lineup? – MaxVeracity

I’m a bit lukewarm on the idea because I figure they’ll just go to the obvious pick.  I’d really like to see a Spiderman film where they pick some of the lesser known bad-guys from the rogue’s gallery.  Why not give characters like Deadbeat Dad, The Shouter, Bike Shorts, Toothache, Salt Sheiker or Meter Maid a chance?   Of course that’s too much to expect from Hollywood, its’ always the safe, boring choices with them.

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That’s all for this week, remember to submit your requests for advice to Oliver@Enthusiacs.com and for god’s sake keep it brief.  Some of these letters I’m receiving are longer than Lord of the Rings epilogues.