Your favourite advice column returns!

Never fear, another edition of the Enthusiask advice column is here.  I am your friendly neighbourhood Cyber-man, Oliver Fiasco.  Do people still use the term cyber-space?  My socially-challenged nephew, Foster, tells me that “cyber” means something different now and I should change that line.  I told him that sounded a lot like advice and that this household only has room for one advice expert.  I also told him to stop leaving his dirty dishes in the sink, but that’s neither here nor there.

But on the off-chance that Foster does know what he’s talking about (a long shot, trust me) lets discard my original analogy for something more appropriate.  Consider me your friendly neighbourhood Advice Crime Scene Investigator, Oliver Fiasco: exposing the blood spatter pattern of ignorance with the UV light of knowledge.  Insert “The Who” music here.

It’s a little known fact about me that I was actually set for a career in law enforcement in my younger days.  If it wasn’t for a failed psych examination (some nonsense about pent up rage and dissociative amnesia) then my life might have been very different.  It could have been Officer Fiasco addressing you now or perhaps even Detective Fiasco.  I still get to help people in this line of work though, so that’s something I guess.  Not much.  But something…really rewarding.

I feel a headquake coming on, so let’s get down to your questions for this week.

Onward!

I’ve been just getting into playing Magic: The Gathering more seriously and now that my collection is growing I’m looking into the best way to protect my cards.  There are so many different options with sleeves and play mats, I don’t know where to start – any advice? – SwellCaster

I’m not sure that I’m following your question exactly.  When I think protective sleeves and play mats, I recall naked Twister from my college fraternity days, not collectable card games.  If you want my opinion, the best way to protect your cards would be to find a dark room, with a hidden door and a sturdy safe and keep them permanently locked in there.  That way your precious cards never need be at risk of damage and no one ever has to know that you play Magic.  Everyone wins!  Your secret is safe with me in the meantime.

I just picked up a sweet new graphics-card for my PC and I’ve decided I’m going to look into a multiple screen (maybe even three screens!)  setup for gaming and desktop applications.  Are there any types or brands of monitors that are the best choice? – XenoCrasher

I’ve got a really inexpensive option for you.  Buy yourself a standard 19 inch, no-frills computer monitor, and put it on your computer table.  Next buy yourself a plain, 19 inch mirror and place it directly adjacent to the left of your monitor, on a slight angle.  Then, whenever you get the notion to do something ridiculous and waste time and money like buying a second monitor for your home computer, I want you to look to the left of your screen.  Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself what is wrong with you and why can’t you be more sensible, or a better person, or maybe just less of an idiot.  If one mirror isn’t enough, you could always get a second and mount that to the right of your screen for the full triptych effect of personal reflection.

I get excited every year for announcements and news from E3 – I hear it is pretty exclusive, how can a member of the public get to attend? – WarGarmer69

I need to avoid a bit of confusion to answer this question one properly, as there are actually two shows called E3 and I’m not sure which you’re referring to.  One called the Eczema Education Exhibition and the other known as the Electronic Entertainment Expo.

At one show you’re going to listen to a lot of shady characters, with bad skin, lie and misrepresent their products and make false promises about miraculous innovations.

The other is about atopic dermatitis.

Unfortunately I gather they’re both not open to the public and are open for attendance only to those that work in these respective fields.  Sorry!

On the weekends I run a table-top gaming group and we’ve got a new member that has become a bit of a problem. Let’s just call him “Wallace”.  He’s a bit of a health-nut and is always having fruit juice of one sort or another.  Which is fine, most of us are having soda or what-not, but we always use screw-top bottles.  Wallace, on the other hand, insists on drinking from a glass.  Twice now he has managed to spill grapefruit juice or prune juice all over the gaming table!  The first time he nearly damaged my Settlers of Catan resource cards, and the second time he managed to get moisture on one of my friend’s Carcassonne tiles!  There have been a few complaints on the side and the group is now starting to ponder if he should be invited back.   He’s shown very poor table-top etiquette and doesn’t seem to respect the space like he should.  Should we give him a second chance, or show him the door? – DungeonMister1970

What is it with people this week being so desperate to protect their nerd-junk?  I think you’re missing the bigger picture here, DungeonMister1970.  Shouldn’t you be “table-topping” with someone more your own age?  There’s a more accurate term for people who always drink grapefruit and prune juice than “health-nut”.  They’re called the elderly!   And what guy under the age of 80 has a name like Wallace?  This “new member” of yours is clearly an old man.

You could just come out and say that is what is really concerning you – I’m not here to judge.  Well, that’s not entirely accurate, as I do think you’re a loser for playing table-top games in the first place, but…back to your problem.  Just be straight with Wallace and tell him he needs to find a senior’s session for table-top gaming.  I think they call it, bridge or canasta.  Given he and his peers are probably in better physical condition than you and your bunch of sedentary sloths, this way he’s less likely to have to deal with one of his fellow players having a heart-attack in the middle of a game.  Let him enjoy his golden years in peace!

I’ve been a loyal World of Warcraft player for years, but Wildstar has me intrigued.  I can’t possibly afford two monthly subscriptions on my budget.  What should I do!? – HordeHammer

I can’t believe sometimes this is what passes for “problems” among my readership.  I don’t know, maybe get two roosters, name one “Warcraft”, call the second one “Wildstar”, put ‘em in a pen with a feed pile laced with Red Bull and may the best bird win?

I’ve been reminded that here at Enthusiacs.com we actually have a few articles contributed by our own Gilleous and Gmandam on the subject of this new game “Wildstar” that might help you make an informed choice.  Neither of these gentlemen are the brightest of bulbs, however, so bear that in mind.

I’m rapidly running out of patience so we had better call it a column, dear readers.  Submit your requests for advice to Oliver@Enthusiacs.com and please remember I am not your BFF, your buddy, pal or mate.