Good day to you my friends, or ‘Bon Jovi’ , as the Italians say, and welcome once again to Enthusiask.  I am your advice coyote, Oliver Fiasco, fearlessly smuggling wisdom and thoughtfulness over the Rio Grande of bewilderment.

Once that annual business with the Marmota monax coming out of his burrow is over, inevitably public attention turns towards that most saccharine of observances, Saint Valentine’s Day.  Suddenly, people who have paid scant attention to their loved ones for the last year, together with those desperate to find new attachments, are suffering the slings and arrows of Cupid’s rapid firing ballista.  And where do those, so wounded, turn for assistance?  To the advice columnist, of course.

The coming of Valentine’s Day naturally summons up romantic images for most, but for myself, I can’t help but think of the massacre associated with its name.  By the end of my first batch of simpering advice requests from the lovelorn, I’d literally rather be machined-gunned against a wall than continue reading.  But if not St.* Oliver of Fiasco, then who else to come to the rescue?

Of course, you may ask, why should anyone listen to the advice of a surly, divorced curmudgeon with a love life barely registering a pulse?  Well, at the risk of bragging, back in the heady days of my youth, I used to cut quite a swath with the ladies.  You could say I was the combine harvester of romance.  Given there was only one of me to go around, you can gather I left quite a trail of broken and disappointed hearts in my wake.  So understand that while I may have de facto retired from the game of love, I still have the instincts of a stone-cold Casanova.

In the interest of covering as many timely requests as possible in this season of unfettered amorousness, I here dedicate an entire column exclusively to advice on relationships, love, shows of affection, blah, blah, blah, blah…blah.  You’re welcome.

Onward!

* (Sainthood pending.)

Oliver, I have a new lady in my life and I want to make a good impression on Valentine’s Day.  I’ve already got flowers arranged, but I’m not sure what to do about chocolates.  While I can safely assume that, as with all women, she probably loves chocolate in general, I don’t know her well enough yet to know her exact preferences.  What is the safest bet: white, milk or dark? – CocoSuave

                Avoid the assorted selections if you can.  Too hit or miss.  Every other piece you eat tastes like a mixture of children’s cough syrup, plaster and denture adhesive.  With regards to your main question, stay away from dark chocolate for heaven’s sake!  Unless you’re absolutely sure she enjoys eating chocolates that taste like soil or old coffee grounds…then by all means, go with dark.

Having gone through much of the recommended pre-marriage counselling, my fiancée and I feel quite prepared to take the step of committing to each other for keeps.  Nonetheless, I’ve had some advice from friends, mainly those who have been unlucky in love, that I should cover myself and my assets and push for her to sign a prenuptial agreement.  We actually both make nearly the same amount of money and my main concerns are what we bring into the marriage – my dog, my collectibles, my Trans Am.  How do I approach the subject without putting a chill on things? – ShiningAmore

                I suppose I can understand you’d feel protective of your stuff.  No one wants to end up a few lions short of a Voltron.  While my personal collections are nowhere near as extensive as my kitsch-hoarder nephew Foster, I do have possessions that I prize and I managed to walk away from my former marriage with them all successfully.

                But I think a prenup is overkill in your case.  A little reverse psychology is really all you need to safeguard your prize pieces.  IF things should fall apart, make sure there is an inverse relationship between an item’s value and how willingly you offer it up in the split.  Fight tooth and nail over the fondue set, but play it cool over the beer can-shaped fridge…if asked you could “take it or leave it”.  People, much like children, naturally want what they’re told they can’t have.

Happy V-Day, Oliver!  I absolutely love flowers (I even used to work at a florist) of all shapes, colours and sizes, but my boyfriend has severe pollen allergies.  Even short term exposure can cause sneezing fits, nasal obstruction, eyelid swelling and fluid build-up behind his eardrums.  I want to experience the joy of getting flowers or having them around my house but I don’t want my guy to suffer.  What should I do? – WackEyedSusan

                I would think the more pertinent problem you’re facing is how do you manage to have a relationship with a guy who should clearly be living in an environment suit at all times?  Well unless he’s also allergic to either polyester or silk, would it be crazy of me to suggest artificial flowers?  Just imagine how much closer you’ll feel, getting intimate sans the surgical mask.  Short of having him dried and pressed I’m not sure there’s a more humane way to keep your beau around.

I have recently married and my wife and I are moving in together for the first time.  As you’d imagine, this home will be filled with an assortment of both of our furniture, and the subject of beds has come up.  I’ve got a top-of-the-line waterbed that I just love but she doesn’t want any part of it!  I keep telling her she doesn’t know what she’s missing out on.  All the springs, foam and coils in the world can’t beat the sensation of floating gently to sleep.  I can’t go back to dry land – how do I convince her? – RipVanTingle

                I had to consult my calendar to double-check what year it was when I read this advice request… I thought perhaps it had been lost in a time loop.  Who actually still owns a waterbed in this day and age??  Is your wife aware she’s inadvertently married a 1970’s gigolo without knowing it?

                I’m sure in the rough and tumble of bachelorhood a waterbed must have seemed and asset to you and may even have impressed…the sort of women who are impressed by waterbeds…but consider the issue of aging, my friend.  As one gets older things begin to sag, wobble, or jiggle, despite one’s best efforts to prevent this from happening.  You don’t want to accentuate the problem any further by frolicking on a giant, undulating bag filled with liquid.  Get yourself a proper mattress before you see (or show) something you end up regretting.

Hi Oliver! I’ve got the perfect Valentines gift selected for my husband this year.  Including the time before we were married it will be our 20^th Valentine’s Day we’ve been together as a couple.  I want to include a letter with the card but I’m stumped about what exactly I should say.  I think he really deserves some special words of appreciation to mark the occasion.  Do you have any suggestions? – RosieCheeks

                A letter?  After twenty years, I think the kindest thing you could do for him would just stick with the card.  Don’t over-think the wording, just keep it mercifully brief and he’ll thank you for it.

And speaking of overly long letters, I think I’ve reached my limit of tolerance for schmaltz for one column.  Please send your requests for advice to Oliver@Enthusiacs.com where I hope to find plenty of non-romantic content for next time. Unless you’re writing in to tell me you love my work, in which case, let fly!