Duck and cover citizens, it’s time for another explosive edition of your favourite advice column, Enthusiask.  I, Oliver Fiasco, your able bombardier, am here to deliver a pithy payload of precision-guided projectiles straight into to cement bunker of your naiveté.  I’ll give you a moment to get over that withering alliterative salvo.

Aircraft ordnance has been in the back of my mind, no doubt, because this week marked an annual event in the Fiasco household: restocking and inspecting my underground shelter.  Both my ungrateful live-in nephew and my ex-wife before him complained that a swimming pool would have been a better use of the limited space in the back yard.  They’ll be singing a different tune when all that stands between them and Deadsville is 10-inch thick pre-cast concrete and a functioning CO2 scrubber.

No matter how well-appointed an emergency shelter is, there simply won’t be room for all the conveniences of modern life.  Deciding what to save, and what to leave behind, can be a sobering experience: a reminder of what is truly important and what one could live without if they had to…

…and after some thought, I’ve determined that ensuring this column survives Armageddon or whatever great calamity may befall humankind is a top priority.  My dear readers, you are so aimless and pathetic now with civilization humming along relatively nicely: how oblivious would you be after the world goes to blazes?  You’ll need me even more!

Rest assured I’ll do my best to ensure that Enthusiask endures into whatever bleak future we may be faced with.  Just keep your damn hands off my dried beef jerky, understand?

Onward!

I feel like I’m the only person on the planet sometimes that isn’t into ‘Game of Thrones’.  I hear the TV series is great but I’m also told the books are excellent and I’d be missing out by not reading them.  But I also don’t want to spoil the experience of watching the TV show…and then there’s the fact that the books are HUGE and I don’t know if I have the time to devote to reading them.  I’m at a loss, what should I do? – CambridgeSpy

                When I lived in a male college dorm, our ‘Game of Thrones’ was trying to find the one clean toilet in place that hadn’t been completely desecrated.

I know reasonably little about ‘A Song of Ice and Fire’ but from what I gather it’s largely concerning murder, incest, war, intrigue and dynastic conflict.  So I must assume that you’re into these subjects if you’re considering this series.

I’ll tackle the literary angle, since, let’s face it, haven’t we all watched enough television?  Some cursory research reveals that, to date, the five books starting with ‘Game of Thrones’ add up to a total of 4,273 pages.  Wow.

The way I see it, this is an issue of time management.  Who has the precious hours in the day to read 4,273 pages?  You need a way to enjoy the topics you like with the time you do have.  Might I suggest these much shorter alternatives?

• For war, go no further than Reminiscences the autobiography of a man’s man, General Douglas MacArthur, measuring 472 patriotic pages.
• Oedipus Rex by Sophocles, a double shot of murder AND incest in one handy volume, coming in at a mere 64 blood-soaked pages.
• For a dose of dynastic conflict, with a healthy dash of intrigue thrown in, The Late Shift by Bill Carter, surrounding the events of the departure of Johnny Carson from The Tonight Show. Messy stuff, 299 pages.

By my count, that’s three books and a total of 635 pages, including all your interests for an 85% reduction in commitment!  I’m no stranger to telling people to “get a life” but at least in your case, you now have the time to do it!

Oliver, I keep losing my Bluetooth connections – they just drop out mysteriously.  What am I doing wrong? – JohnnyGadget

                I would suggest seeing a dentist urgently.  They shouldn’t be falling out on their own and they sure as hell shouldn’t be blue.  I’ve heard of enamel stains from coffee, cigarettes etc., but seriously…blue?  What are you drinking, anti-freeze?

I’m a young 20-something male trying to teach my mother how to use a computer, however, every time I sit down to do it, I want to rip it from her hands and do it myself.  Do you have any advice? – Joshua F.

                I know the frustration of attempting to instruct someone else how to perform a task that I find perfectly clear and straightforward.  My nephew Foster struggles to this day to handle such basics as correct toilet paper roll positioning, crumb management in the margarine tub and effective placement of coasters on my coffee table.

But I’ve also been on the opposite side to you in the smart-alecky kid grudgingly shows his elder how to use technology scenario.  We may not be spring chickens, but given the requisite patience, mature adults can learn to use computers.  While I do revert to a typewriter for much of my correspondence, I’ve become quite the avid PC user.  I’ve surfed.  I’ve cut and pasted.  I’ve spread sheets and filed pages.  If I can pick this stuff up, certainly she can.

Training is about trying to find the right motivational tools.  Mothers want to know everything about what their children are doing, so it’s best to teach her using your computer.  A few fake folders named “Tattoo Ideas” or “Pictures of My Girlfriends” placed in conspicuous areas and she’ll be navigating the desktop and directories in no time.  You could pre-prepare a worryingly large collection of death metal music videos and songs to familiarize her with the most common media formats.  A marijuana activist website saved as your browser’s home page will encourage her to start exploring and clicking links at her own pace.  Trust me; your personal life is the secret to unlocking your mother’s latent PC potential.

I was at a trade-show recently and there was a lot of talk about 4K, which I’m fairly clueless about.  I feel like it’s something I should be preparing for in future.  Any advice would be appreciated!  – JollyRoger

                My advice would be not to go to trade shows where known hate-groups are in attendance.  How exactly are the Knights of the Ku Klux Klan supposed to be good for business?  Did they get a booth?  Aren’t these events vetted?

I’m not a gamer myself but my twin son and daughter are both showing an interest in having a system of their own.  Even if I knew the best unit to buy, I’m really unclear what sort of games would be appropriate for two seven years olds.  Should I just trust the ratings on the boxes? – KittenClause

                Forget video games, you should be helping these kids to develop the powerful psychic abilities that all twins are known to have.  And not just for bending spoons or starting fires – you need to prepare them for the casinos when they hit legal age.

Just imagine, a soft mental nudge to the roulette ball, dropping it onto the right colour.  Picture if you can, three cherries forced into a line, on a slot machine, brimming with coins.  Marvel, as your mind-linked, card counting duo completely games the blackjack tables to their advantage:  They’ll bring the house down and then mommy can retire early!  You’re sitting on a goldmine here.  My advice is to immediately find a house close to the nearest ley line or graveyard and get to work.

We have reached the end of another column.  I’d say it’s been sterling effort on my part as usual.  Your questions could have been better though.  Submit your requests for advice to Oliver@Enthusiacs.com and please, stick with standard choices of fonts.  I’ve encountered hieroglyphs that are easier to decipher than some of your letters.