Hello to readers of Enthusiask, and welcome to an unscheduled, emergency guest edition of this advice column.  I am Foster Fiasco, the nephew of your usual host.  Regular readers are aware that my uncle makes occasional mention of me in these pages and may be surprised to find that I am in fact literate and possess a rudimentary intelligence.  Well if your expectations for my performance are low, just imagine where my uncle’s must be?

Sadly, there is little choice in the matter.  As I’m told, this column “brings home the bacon” and helps provide a roof over both our heads.  I’m also assured that his loyal readership would be lost without proper guidance and it is my duty as a Fiasco to take up the banner, even temporarily, for the good of humanity.

Uncle Oliver had lots of advice, as you might imagine, for how to conduct myself.  ‘Tough love’ came up frequently, as did ‘boot in the arse’ and ‘wake-up call’.  There were strong warnings against being ‘namby-pamby’ or ‘wishy-washy’ and an outright prohibition on anything resembling ‘hooey’ or ‘mumbo-jumbo’.  In truth, there was far more direction on what I should not do rather than what I should.  I suppose in the end I’ll have to rely on my own instincts for giving advice, however dormant they may be.

Anyway, I apologise in advance if I’m not up to the usual standards of this column, but I will be giving it my best shot.  I only hope that I’ll have two hands available to type – in my uncle’s absence I’m in charge of feeding Cordelia and she’s even more ornery than he is, if that’s possible.

And in case you’re wondering what is keeping Oliver from his duties this week…well it is a medical matter of some severity that he has been hospitalized for.  Something to do with his bile ducts; hard to believe, isn’t it?  He is safe and in good hands, but I do hope his doctors are as thick-skinned as I am.  Well, here it goes.

…Onward?

As I can’t afford any other options, I’m currently stuck in a situation where I have to live with roommates.  It might be easier to tolerate if we could actually get along.  Things between me and the other two guys has degenerated to the point they are now actively playing pranks on me out of spite.  Moving out isn’t going to be possible for six months to a year, at least.  How do I survive living with these morons for the foreseeable future? – FurleyRoper

                I believe I can sympathise with this situation more than most.  Certainly the combative relationship with a roommate is familiar.  Also, the pranking thing…although I’m not exactly sure where one crosses the line between pranks and man-traps.

                My first recommendation would be noise cancelling headphones.  For a night-shift worker like me, these are an absolute necessity.  Spare no expense.  Secondly, I’d recommend getting yourself the best possible car you can afford.  If you’re going to be spending a lot of time in it, (driving to places of refuge or just being somewhere, anywhere rather than home) it may as well be a nice vehicle.  Lastly, consider an alternate entrance/exit if possible.  A side-window, fire escape or backdoor will keep unnecessary encounters to a minimum.  With any luck, they’ll forget you exist after a while.

I have a large collection of collectible figures, figurines, statues, models, ships etc. in my basement and I’ve found trying to keep them clean is tricky.  Just this past week I managed to knock over and damage one of my prized BattleStar Galactica pieces while I was dusting.  Short of putting them all behind glass, what can I do? – Haberdasher1973

                This is a problem I’ve grappled with myself over the years as I too have an extensive collection.  My secret are cans of compressed air.  Just be careful how much you blast the lighter items as those cans pack a bit of a punch.

                As a bonus, they are also a handy way to shoo away unwanted four-legged pests around the house without any need to put your hands or feet at risk.  I never leave my room without one holstered.

Recently I’ve agreed to participate in a gaming marathon for charity with a group of friends.  We entered as a team, and will be playing a popular racing game in shifts – a bit of an endurance run, as you can imagine.  I’m beginning to have concerns about my ability to make it through the event.  I don’t do well on little to no sleep, and while in theory we will be handing off the wheel in turn, I’m expecting things to be boisterous and actual down time to be limited.  One friend has offered me a substance (that I won’t name) which he claims will make me stay fully alert and help me keep my competitive edge.  I don’t want to let the team down but resorting to illicit drugs isn’t really in the spirit of what I signed up for.  Apart from chugging coffee for 24 hours plus, do you have any better ideas?  – MonsieurHeavyFoot

                Having worked in the mental health industry and hospice care, I can speak to how serious some of these drugs can be.  I can understand why you’d be hesitant to put any of them in your system.  Your competitors, on the other hand, could be fair game, if you have the right delivery method.  Regardless of how you or William Shatner pronounces it, the operative word is sabotage.

Well I couldn’t fill in for my uncle without being a bastard at least once, could I?

My job has kept me so busy lately that I have barely had time to keep pace with my favourite TV shows.  Sometimes it will be weeks before I have an opportunity to catch up, and before then I have to run a constant obstacle course of avoiding spoilers.  How do I still stay remotely connected to social media or the outside world without spoiling every plot point? – 2ShyShyHush

                Unfortunately there is a direct relationship between the size and reach of your social circle and the amount of spoilers you will encounter.  I work mostly evenings and nights and live with my semi-recluse of an uncle; consequently I’d receive about as many TV/movie spoilers as the crew of the International Space Station.

                Spoilers are the price you pay for having other people in your life.  If I were my uncle I’d be telling you the problem is the other people in your life and that removing them would solve both your spoiler complaint and a myriad of other issues in one stroke.  At the risk of ending up like said uncle, I’ll think you’ll agree a spoiler here or there is something you can live with.  Unexpectedly learning Darth Vader is Luke’s father is a revelation that lasts a mere moment; crotchetiness can last forever.

How do I hang or mount posters on the wall and cause the minimum of damage?  I’m about the least handy person on the planet and I don’t want to have to do any patch up work when I leave my current apartment. – BluePlanet1988

                I’m afraid I can’t be of much help here – I use posters specifically to cover up damage to my walls, either dents from controllers I’ve tossed or cracks caused by pounding on the wall for people or animals to be quiet while I’m sleeping.  I think you need to see that security deposit as more of a pre-emptive repair fee and less as something you’ll get back when you move out.  Either that or go for the mental asylum look and cover all the walls with padding.  Living where I do, I know I’ve had days where I have strongly considered that option.

That concludes this guest edition of Enthusiask: Foster Fiasco now signing off.  I have enjoyed keeping the reclining chair warm   Please send your requests for advice to Oliver@Enthusiacs.com and your regular correspondent will be happy to help.  Well not happy per se, but you know the drill by now.