Thanks for tuning in again to another episode of Enthusiask – easy on the ears and stimulating for the mind.  I’m your advice DJ, Oliver Fiasco, the voice of reason.  If you’re hearing another voice, that’s probably in your head and you may need to seek out a mental health professional.

Thinking about audio matters, I’m reminded of the time my gadget-laden nephew, Foster, first showed me an iPod some years ago.  When he explained to me that a little rectangle, not much bigger than the size of a pack of playing cards could hold over 500 LP’s worth of music, I could scarcely believe it.  Foster was equally dumbfounded when the device fell into a storm-drain, having slipped from his pocket while getting out of a parked car.  I’ll say one thing for having a large record collection in my day: I never had to worry about completely misplacing it, sitting on it or dropping it down a sewer.

Impressive as these little machines admittedly are, I just can’t make the transition to digital music.  To this day, my old stereo system is more than enough for my needs, and I actually prefer the sound it produces, imperfections and all.  To my nephew, and people his age, all my equipment seems positively ancient, impossible to grasp.  If I asked him about woofers and tweeters he’d probably assume I was talking about our neighbour’s poodles and my dead parakeet.  Meanwhile, I hear him mention docking stations and I picture someplace you’d launch an ocean liner from.

He can’t bring himself to care about speaker placements since his only concern is a working pair of “earbuds”.  I can’t understand how anyone would expect good music to be produced out of headphones the size of two macadamias on string.

Good quality advice is like a quality stereo system.  It may be heavy and, at times, slow or even inconvenient…but it’s clear, faithful and accurate.  People these days want everything compressed or watered down, noise-cancelled…bass-boosted.  You’ll only get the real deal from me:  static, needle-scratches and all.  Consider this microphone dropped!

Onward!

I met a girl at a Magic: The Gathering tournament at my local gaming shop a few weeks back and got her number.  She’s agreed to go out with me, but I’m totally blanking on a good idea for a first date.  I want it to be memorable, something we can look back on fondly.  What would be the best choice? – DeckDenizen

A girl at a gaming store…in my day we would have referred to that as a Mythic Rare.  Seeing that she met you at a Magic tournament, I would think expectations are already set unfathomably low, my friend.  Don’t over-think it: just pick a place and go.  Seriously, if you can manage not to close the passenger door on a limb when helping her into the car, you’re going to look like a champion.

Oliver, as winter approaches, it brings with it the arrival of my least favourite of chores – shovelling the damn driveway.  I simply can’t justify spending hundreds of dollars on a snow-blower and I’m not very mechanically inclined anyway.  Do you have any snow removal tips for a frustrated home-owner? – GottaDrift

I can offer two words, my friend – army surplus.  A working, vintage M2 flamethrower is portable, and packs a punch.  Fight ice with fire, that’s my motto.  Show winter who’s boss.  Now you’re probably asking yourself: how the hell am I going to get my hands on napalm?  Unfortunately, that the one wrinkle in this idea and I can’t really help you with that part.  I’ve got a napalm guy myself, but he’s not really taking on new customers.  Given you can’t seem to handle the rigors of snow-blower operation I’m unsure how keen of a backyard chemist you may or may not be.  Either way, let me offer another three words of caution: stop, drop and roll.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year.  I’m ready to kick things up a notch in the bedroom.  How can I get him to role-play with me?  I just want him to dress up as Batman and rough me up a bit: is there really anything wrong with that?  I need to find a subtle way to introduce the BDSM that I’ve been dying to try…but I don’t want to scare him off.  Any advice? – AllTiedUp

I’m not sure that subtlety is the correct route to take when you’re dealing with sanctioned bedroom roughhousing.  In the interest of keeping both of you injury free and out of prison, it’s probably best to be very clear with one another about appropriate boundaries, thresholds…safe-words etc.

In saying that, if you have had that conversation and are ready to get him in a feisty mood, I’d suggest a few reliable ways to get him riled up…from “nerd” perspective:

1. Non canonical outfit choices. For instance, if he asks you to dress as Catwoman for your preferred Batman scenario, turn up in a Black Cat costume. The incongruity will drive him nuts.
2. Refer to him as “Bruce Banner” instead of “Bruce Wayne”.
3. Mention in passing that Jason Todd was your favourite Robin.

I’ve got a job interview coming up for a role as a facilitator – my only real job to date didn’t really involve much of an interview so I’ve never really had to go through one before.  I’m scared stiff!  Any tips for nailing the interview? – LetterBoxed

                I don’t know what the hell a facilitator is but it sounds like it’s related to follicles in some way.  In that case, I’m going to assume you’re talking about a job doing hair transplant surgery.  I think what’s best here is to convince them you understand the plight of the customers and that you’d have a good perspective on what they go through.  So if you’re not already bald I’d suggest going in with as little hair as possible.  You’ve got to look the part, first and foremost.

Secondly, you want to look hungry for the job too.  Fast for at least 24 hours ahead of the interview.  If you need some protein, a weak fish-based broth is acceptable.

Lastly, remember the importance of a good handshake.  It isn’t merely about firmness; it’s about winning the handshake.  How will you know if you won?  If you have to ask, you’re not ready.

I’m spending a fortune on power bills this time of year.  Between my Xbox One, PS4, Xbox 360, PS3, PC, Wii U, arcade cabinets, pinball machines, two flatscreens, air-hockey table, beer fridge, 7.1 surround system, cable-box, blu ray. etc. and my furnace, I can barely afford it all.  Should I switch to natural gas, or is there an easier way to cut down on my electricity charges? – HighVoltage

What exactly do you need a furnace for?  With all those devices running I would think your home would already hover around room temperature.  In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if it gave off a noticeable glow.

Have we arrived again at the end of another Enthusiask column?  The empty tumbler to my right says “yes”.  Please submit your requests for advice to Oliver@Enthusiacs.com.  Christmas approaches, rapidly – if you’re thinking of getting me something a few reasonable, well thought out questions wouldn’t go amiss.  Or if you really want to make me happy, perhaps just leave me alone altogether?  I could use the break.