All rise, the Honourable Chief Justice Oliver Fiasco is now here, holding court. In these halls, the columns are of the advice variety, rather than the Doric.  Please approach the bench as I pass judgement in another edition of Enthusiask.  In fairness, it’s really more of a reclining chair with a TV dinner table next to it than a bench per se but I do my best work when I’m comfortable.

They say a man who represents himself has a fool for a client.  I’ve never understood that saying.  Last time I was involved in a legal matter I did just that and saved myself a small fortune in fees.  Meanwhile my wisenheimer neighbour shelled out for a lawyer and probably paid him enough to cover his next round of hair plugs.  In the end, we both had to split the cost of a new fence anyway and I had to agree to dispose of any future dead gophers in more considerate manner.  But that’s another story.

While I personally may have the nerves and knowhow to get by, it is clear from the deluge of desperate emails I get each day that you, dear readers, are far less equipped to deal with daily existence.  Intellectually speaking, you resemble the victims of a cruel prank:  life itself seems to have tied your shoelaces together.  As I see you laying there, I certainly can’t promise never to enjoy a laugh or three at your expense, but I will do what I can.  Take my hand and let me help you off the cruel, indifferent pavement.  Just go easy on the arm socket, I need that limb attached.

Onward!

My spam filter seems to be a bit over-zealous. I’m constantly having legitimate emails diverted to my junk folder along with actual spam.  I’ve missed more than a few important messages as a result.  I really don’t want to turn it off as I’ll get buried under bogus emails if I do.  What’s the solution? – GhastWriter

                I can almost hear my detractors waiting for me to go off on a screed about spiced mystery meat: sorry to disappoint you but I wasn’t born yesterday.  Coincidentally, “Spiced Mystery Meat” was the subject line of a gay porn ad my spam filter recently blocked out…

I only wish my software was as vigilant as yours.  With the exhausting pace of the modern world, less email and fewer people bothering me sounds like an absolute joy.  I think you should take a cue from your spam filter and apply its philosophy in other areas of your life.

Take my dog, Cordelia, for instance: she functions as a people filter, of sorts, keeping unwanted riffraff out of my yard and away from my front door.  Sure, now and then she chases off someone with good intentions but I’m comfortable with a margin of error if it means reduced numbers of visitors in total.

Good fences, sturdy gate-locks, and a visible sprinkling of shell-casings are a few additional ways to make a yard look less inviting to would-be callers. An unlisted phone number and a legal name-change would really round out the overall strategy.

When you’re enjoying all the peace and quiet, think of me and smile!

The new Sims game, Sims 4 has been released but I’m outraged by the amount of features they have removed that used to be standard in previous games, like Sims 2! No basements?  No garage doors?  No swimming pools? Part of me just wants to go back to an older version but it’s running terribly on my current O/S.   Complaining to EA/Maxis seems futile but I can’t shake the disappointment.  What can I do? – HomeMaker123

                                What happens when the urge to play with a doll-house enters adulthood in the digital age?  The Sims: the game for control freaks.  With all those vital features you love so much now missing, your “Fun” meter must be very low.  I can relate, as my “Stupid B.S.” meter was red lining while reading your advice request.

I think perhaps the best way to deal with this issue would be to channel your tendencies for observing and prodding around little creatures into something more productive. Work your way into the sciences and find a job dealing with lab rats.  You’ll still be able to get your kicks and who knows, maybe somewhere along the way a disease or two will get cured.

I’ve spent hundreds if not thousands of dollars over the years collecting replica weapons, mostly medieval swords. As much as I like to look at them, I’d be really interested to learn how to use or hold one properly.  It seems there are a number of historical fencing societies around that are involved in training and sparring but as an outsider I don’t know where I should begin.  You seem pretty savvy with weaponry in general, any thoughts on groups, equipment etc? – Bec de Corbin

                You started to lose me with the word “replica”, to be honest.  What exactly is the point of collecting weapons that can’t actually be used?  An intruder isn’t going to be impressed with a rubber blade or a polyurethane dart, unless your tactic is to disable him while he’s paralysed with laughter.

YouTube seems to be a pretty good resource for people that want to learn about historical weapons, fencing and the like. Some of the hosts even have amusing accents which adds to the authenticity.

As for equipment, my only advice would be not to invest too much money in a helmet. From where I’m sitting, a blow to the head may actually do you some good.

I’m soooooo embarrassed! I recently had a predictive text faux pas of legendary proportions.  I’ve just started dating a girl and she texted me for advice on how she should approach her course coordinator for an extension on a literature review.  I was in a hurry when I was responding and instead of saying “Ask first”, I sent “Ass first”!  I think I’ve really offended her, what can I do? – ShadesofRed

                This is definitely not the column for advice about text messaging.  I can’t stand texting and I avoid it like the plague.  My irksome nephew Foster insists on sending me needless SMS messages.  You would perhaps think I’d prefer digital communication rather than chore of speaking to him directly but he somehow manages to make texting even more annoying than the real thing.  Given Foster’s baseline levels of annoying, that is no mean feat.  He says “TTYL” (which I gather must mean ‘totally’) so often you’d think he was stuck in the early 90’s.

Put the smart phone down and talk to her. You seem pretty dumb to me, she’ll surely believe that you just made an idiotic mistake.  Pretty soon you’ll be LOLing and OMGing again like it never happened.

Dear Oliver Fiasco,

Hey man, my girlfriend won’t play any games with me. I’ve tried to get her to into ones like Bioshock, Bully, and Left 4 Dead. She says these games are too intense and difficult for her but her little sister will even get into a game with me. What can I do to get them BOTH to play with my Xbone? – Lovezthebox

                Hey “man”, how about saving some women for the rest of us – isn’t one girl enough?  Seriously though, you’re not impressing anyone, my friend.  If I take this email literally, you’re a creep with a tiny penis.  If I take it jokingly, you’re a fanboy with a tiny penis.  Either way, you come out looking short.

I’ll say this much though: I’m deeply sympathetic to the two fictional female characters you’ve created. They may not exist but I still feel sorry for them, given they have to have anything to do with the likes of you.  There’s some sort of talent involved in that level of storytelling!

We have arrived, again, at the end of another column. Please submit your requests for advice to Oliver@Enthusiacs.com for my expert ministrations.  Do you think you could go a week or two without messing up in the meantime?  I’ll be here, holding my breath.