Good evening and welcome to Chez Oliver – I will be your gracious host.  I would say maitre d’, but that always sounded a little too close to the final boss in Bionic Commando for my liking.

And with that lovely hor d’oeuvre of an obscure reference out of the way, shall we turn to the main course?  I heartily recommend the special, a true delicacy I call Enthusiask.  How best to describe it?  Occasionally a little salty but it could never be accused of being too sweet.

At the risk of spoiling the chef’s secrets, the preparation process could be summarized thusly:

1. Start with a fresh heap of problems, a pinch of crying and a dash of complaining
2. Cover with a mixture of strong admonitions and remonstrations, then rebuke vigorously
3. Boil off excess nonsense
4. Serve with side of cold hard truth

Unlike a typical experience with fine dining, advice can sometimes be a bit hard to swallow. I’m afraid, my dear readers, that I’m not here to sugar coat things for you.  Nor am I going to gently regurgitate my guidance as more easily digestible sludge.  Be prepared – wear a bib if you must.

This week’s offerings certainly had me simmering, though I’m not sure how much of an appetite for crap I’ll have left by the end of the column. Let’s find out.

À la cuisine! Onward!

Try as I might, I can’t seem to get decent mobile phone coverage at my home. I’ve even changed network providers hoping that would make a difference, but no luck.  It’s not like I live in a dead-spot; I have some neighbours who have the same issue as me and yet others with no problems at all.  I think I’ve attempted every known solution short of wrapping my house in tinfoil (ha-ha!).  I’m desperate – what’s your advice, Oliver? – ZeroDark39

                Well for starters, don’t do something crazy like wrapping your house in tinfoil.  Seriously, that only works for TV reception.

It’s simple, really: find a house closer to a cell phone tower and move there. I personally live less than a quarter-mile from one and my signal is so good I routinely get six bars.  My phone’s user manual says it is only meant to go up to five.

If you can get used to the idea of living in the shadow of a giant antenna, you’ll enjoy calls so crystal clear you almost feel bad hanging up on the telemarketers on the other end of the line.  Trust me; even with all the dead bees lying around, it’ll be worth the trouble.

I need some advice about the ladies. Nothing turns me on more than chicks with glasses.  Problem is, as I’m not a nerd myself, I don’t know the right play to pick-up nerdy girls.  I don’t really care about the sort of junk they would be into: I just want to seal the deal.  What’s the best move? – KingPlaya

                KP, the first thing you need to know about all women is they love a man who’s good with his hands.  You need to be able to make or repair stuff to really impress them and gain their respect.

                Start with something basic, but demonstrative.  Find yourself a standard ceiling fan installed in a room of average height.  Firmly attach the upper end of an L-shaped section of PVC pipe below one of the blades using a liberal amount of duct tape.  Then fill a 16 oz. boxing glove with marbles and affix the glove to the lower end of the pipe.  Stand under the blade and set the fan to the lowest setting.  If you find, after a few dozen shots to the head, you still feel the need to be an incorrigible dirt-bag, increase the speed setting as required.

Good luck out there, Romeo, and wear a cup.

My interest in collecting older videogames and toys has brought me to a lot of garage sales as of late. I’m finding I really don’t have the knack for all the haggling; I guess I don’t have a natural instinct for negotiation.  How do I get better at getting a fair price? – MoneyPennies

                I’ve attended more than a few yard sales, flea markets and swap meets over the years so I can offer some firsthand wisdom.  Firstly, I know these kindly homeowners, retirees and parents might seem intimidating, but I can assure you they’re just regular people just like you.  The only real difference is they have the good sense to off-load their junk and you seem concerned with acquiring more.

Secondly, dress down. The shabbier you appear, the better.  Hair should be unkempt, an afterthought.  Your cash must not be in a wallet and bills should be visibly crumpled and preferably distributed across multiple pockets.  Affecting a facial tick or other strange mannerisms will also assist.  The idea is to keep the seller off-balance.  By simultaneously gaining sympathy AND making the interaction as awkward or unpleasant as possible, you encourage them to conclude the transaction more quickly, with less resistance.

Just think of all the extra time you’ll have to arrange, categorize and polish all those treasures?  When the reality show about hoarders eventually comes calling, your home will look so much more presentable on screen.  Happy hunting!

When I was younger I participated in a chess club, but it has been years since I played regularly. My passion for the game has been rekindled recently, but I don’t know where to go to find others interested in casual or competitive play.  What should I do? – Casterly Rook

                I’ll never quite understand the obsession in science fiction with portraying artificial intelligence as something to be feared.  After millennia of having to suffer the bother of the company of others for our recreation, we now live in an age where you can switch on a game and play against the computer.  A computer will always be well-mannered and quiet, requires no offer of food or refreshment, and you never need to ask it to leave.  How much quality social-interaction would you be missing out on by not joining a chess club anyway?  I picture a room full of people in pairs, sitting across from each other, in silence, occasionally tapping on game clocks: how close am I to the mark?

Dear Ollie,

Hey! First of all I wanna say you’re a riot! You crack me up! You really have that “angry old man” thing down! LULZ. Anyway, I LOVE Sex and the City sooo much. The problem is my boyfriend has like no interest in watching it with me. I don’t get it! The show is like AMAZEBALLS! How can I get him to watch my series set with me?? –I’matotalCarrie

One word: castration.

Here we are at the conclusion of another Enthusiask, and not a moment too soon.  Please submit your requests for advice to Oliver@Enthusiacs.com.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to need a stiff drink to get over the fact that the words “LULZ” and “AMAZEBALLS” were featured in a column with my name on it.