High Moon Studios Cybertron Series VS. Michael Bay Transformers Movies

Who will win?

I am so sick of the summer popcorn, sex joke, punch line, leg hump, gold tooth, scrotum shake that is Michael Bay’s Transformers. I was excited for the first movie. Like many folks, I grew up with Transformers, particularly the 1986 movie, a season of the cartoon, and Beast Wars. When Optimus Prime shouted his famous orders (“Autobots, roll out!”), and I got to see them all transform into cars and skid away, I nearly lost it in the theater.

Admittedly, M-dog brought the robots in disguise to the silver screen. It was something that I thought couldn’t be done in a live-action movie, but they managed to pull it off. But that was back in 2007. While there is still a place in my heart for the first live-action movie, I understand its faults, and knew in my heart that it would get better.

In the seven years since then, there have been three sequels released. You know what? Each of them is bad in unique ways, but they all manage to hit the same notes. Boy and girl get to help giant robots fight, and there may be dialogue from some of the robots. But there are military guys that fight with the robots, and the good guys are all self-righteous goody-goods with one-note characteristics. There are racist jokes, sexist jokes, embarrassing toilet humor and 360 pan-around shots. Oh, and Bumblebee (an advanced machine with upgradable parts) can’t talk.

I don’t miss Shia…

Perhaps the most recent film showed Mark Wahlberg (I met his brother, Paul) as a loving dad who just wants the best for his daughter. He shows that he can play a decent human character, and he does help a bit, but they had to bring his daughter’s useless boyfriend along. But this is straying too far from my original point. While Michael Bay and his crew think it’s funny to have Bumblebee ‘pee’ on someone, High Moon studios developed two Transformers games that I feel encompass everything that the Transformers movies should be.

Ironhide has an axe? Sign me up!

Perhaps you’ll disagree. Perhaps you’ll say that, despite their faults, the movies can’t be beat. To that, I will respond with Optimus Prime’s lips, Bumblebee peeing, and Devastators’ testicles. At any rate, here are the main points…

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