Greetings from the flight deck, this is your Advice Captain speaking, Oliver Fiasco. In the course of this Enthusiask column reaching its planned cruising altitude we will be experiencing some bumps and turbulence.  Nothing to worry about, just the usual hot air, wailing, caterwauling and fussing I deal with all the time.  It’s in the job description.

Travel analogies aside, I’m actually a pretty sedentary fellow at this point in my life.  Since a brief stint in the coast guard in my youth, I tend not to range very far from my home.  So you can imagine my displeasure when, on flying back from a speaking engagement, I was stranded for a considerable time in a major airport after missing a connection.  I’m not going to name the facility in question, but to describe the situation for the reader, try to imagine the following: a huge, hollow asterisk, filled to the brim with wind-up toys, careening about in random directions…with luggage.

I am fairly certain the only way this place can plausibly exist is at the centre of some sort of temporal/quantum distortion field.  Boarding commencement fluctuates forward and backward in the time stream.  Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle is at play with gate assignments – the mere act of checking your gate appears to influence its position.  One can feel exhausted and then energized in alternating moments.  The word airport ‘terminal’ is poorly chosen, as it implies an end point or conclusion: so why does the nightmare never seem to stop?

My only refuge during this horrid experience was to delve into some advice emails and put my downtime to good use.  It was a choice between that or to force the rotund nasal-spray addict sitting next to me to swallow his own neck pillow.  So fasten your belts, lock all tray tables away and get those seats upright as this column is cleared for takeoff.

Onward!

A few weeks ago I got to meet the artist/creator of my favourite webcomic at a local convention. I was really excited, having been an avid follower of his work for years, but I was disappointed to find, upon approaching his table, that he had a “no handshake” policy.  Apparently it’s something about not wanting to catch germs as attendees and exhibitors routinely spread around colds or flu at these events.  I actually noticed a few other artists with the same policy.  I can’t say I’m offended exactly but it seems a bit standoffish to limit human contact when isn’t that the whole point of going to conventions?   What sort of message does that give to fans when your chief concern is keeping them away from you?  I’m not sure how I should approach this next time it happens – should I say something? – PeoplePerson

                Ah, “web” comics…I was a big Spider-Man fanatic when I was a kid myself.  I’ve turned into quite the wisecracking hero over the years so it must have rubbed off on me in some way.

Regarding conventions, if you had been reading my column from the start, you’d recall that I warned people away from those places a long time ago.  As for these communicable disease issues you’re having, any grade-school age child can tell you one simple health tip: all nerds have cooties.  This artist you’re so bothered by is just adapting to his environment.  In truth, I don’t think he’s going far enough.  If I were planning in being in a large indoor venue where the nerd-per-square-foot density was going to be that high, I’d be considering a HazMat suit.

                Give the poor guy a break.  He just wants to get on with his life and draw Spider-Man comics.  He’s already in a relatively nerdy occupation; he doesn’t need to catch your full-blown nerd crud.  This reminds me, I’ve heard rumours of a full Enthusiacs staff meeting in the near future.  I’m going to need to go in like Travolta in The Boy in the Plastic Bubble to survive unscathed.

I’m a huge Final Fantasy geek and my goal is to both a Cloud and Tifa tattoo (I’m thinking one on each arm) to really show my fandom. I gotta admit though, I’m a bit nervous about making that permanent commitment and I don’t want to hurt my career prospects.  Should I make sure the designs are small enough and positioned in an easy place to cover, or should I just be totally out there and display my FF love? – AdventChild

                There is a third course of action you haven’t mentioned.  Why not just stick with job choices where tattoos are more readily accepted?  There are plenty of openings for enterprising youngsters looking to become carnies, circus freaks, teamsters, longshoremen or pirates.

Oliver, my job requires me to do a fair bit of travel within my region, and I’m always having trouble. Whether I drive, fly or take the train, it’s nothing but delays, traffic, parking issues or cancellations. I’m so frustrated with all the wasted hours.  What’s the “least worst” option? – OntheRoadAgain

                Well, this is certainly a timely question, given my recent experience with a business trip gone awry.  My advice would be to walk.  Walk immediately to your boss’s office and resign.  No job that involves regular travel can possibly be worth the cost to your sanity.

Anything longer than a twenty-minute commute is for suckers. As someone who has to go about 50 feet to my desk and back each working day I can speak from personal experience to the advantages of a life without travel.  The air seems sweeter.   The sun seems brighter.  Your faith in your fellow human beings will be restored: assuming you had any faith to begin with.

Trust me: within a few months you’ll have so much free time back that you’ll be asking me for ideas about hobbies to pursue. I’ll prepare a list in the meantime.

Some nagging health problems that I can’t seem to get over are really starting to bring me down. I’ve had to reduce my hours at the bookstore where I work and I’m not well enough to participate in frisbee golf on the weekends any longer either.  I’ve switched doctors several times and the latest one I saw has actually given me a referral to a naturopath.  I’m starting to get desperate, but I admit I’m pretty sceptical about alternative medicine in general.  Should I give it a try? – SickAzzaDog

                I was sent to see an acupuncture practitioner about ten years ago on advice from my doctor.  After the Eastern gentleman that ran the clinic explained to me he was going to stick dozens of tiny needles into my neck and head (to fix my “mojo” or something), I naturally declined to go through with the “procedure”.  I felt that willingly becoming a Clive Barker character was entirely too high a price to pay to fix the issue in question.

While I am equally as unconvinced as you are about alternative medical approaches, I would suggest, at least for an initial visit, you don’t have much to lose. If treatment options start mentioning forms of torture, you can always leave, right?  While you’re at it, see if you can ask him if there is any natural cure for cooties.  This is one area in which modern medicine seems to have no answers – judging from the sheer number of nerds and geeks out there.  Perhaps there is hope elsewhere?

The iPhone 6 is here at last!  I’m so stoked, but I can’t decide whether to get the regular sized one or the Plus? Help! – Appleseed4Life

                I recommend getting whichever is the cheaper model.  You’re going to need any additional cash that can be spared to remedy that nasty case of hipster cooties you have.  If you think basic nerd cooties are bad, you’re in for a rude shock.  Deal with it ASAP, or someday soon you’ll find yourself wearing fake tortoiseshell glasses for no reason.

Another column, in the bag. I have nothing left to give of myself this week, dear readers.  Please submit your requests for advice to Oliver@Enthusiacs.com.  If you could try to be a little less annoying when you write in, I’d appreciate it.