BEST OF 2014 !!!

A belated Happy New Year to devotees of Enthusiask.  I am your well-rested host, Oliver Fiasco, an advice dynamo brimming with crackling energy.  Think of me as a wisdom defibrillator, waiting to unleash my electric potential to the sinoatrial node of the heart…of your mind.  Barely one paragraph into 2015 and I’ve already surprised myself with my own profundity.

However, before we venture forth into the wilderness of the year ahead, it would be remiss of me to overlook to opportunity to highlight some of the true gems of advice that I doled out in 2014.  Predictable, you may comment?  Doesn’t everyone do a year-end review or “Best Of” list around this period?  True enough, dear reader, but some traditions are popular for a reason.

While I’m sure a significant portion of my most loyal followers have read each column lovingly, multiple times, there is also, undoubtedly, a lazy or ill-informed contingent who have not sampled the full range of advice last year has to offer.  Consider this favour to those misguided souls.

We will return in a fortnight with the usual proceedings (your desperate requests continue to pile up in the meantime), but without further ado, I present the Best of Enthusiask for 2014.

Rearward!

With all the talk about Oculus Rift recently, what do you think about the spread of VR in gaming? – Samwyze1994

I’m going to assume I’m a generation or two ahead of you but this advice applies just as much today as it did when I was a kid – play safe!  Gaming is fun and you might be lucky to make a really special friend out there.  And sometimes special feelings lead to special times and…specialness…but you need to remember to wear protection.  I know you think the school nurse was just a drag but the old gal probably knew a thing or two about VR – it is a serious problem.

At this risk of giving TMI about VR, in all honesty I’ve never experienced an Oculus Rift, but I have had a hemorrhoid or two in my time.  If those are anywhere near as painful then you want to steer clear of the sort of VR that can cause that my friend.

I have a good female friend who has become a Wiccan who takes offense to the fact that I participate in LARPing.  She feels that fantasy themed role-playing is just another venue where people’s perceptions of Neo-Paganism religions are twisted by pop culture misrepresentations of witches and witchcraft.  She even got into an argument at a book club she’s a member of when someone recommended they try the Harry Potter series. I’m concerned that this organization she’s involved in is having a detrimental effect on her, she used to be so open and outgoing and now she’s become all judgmental, dark and unrecognizable.  I don’t like to be a nosy friend but I’m really bothered by her behaviour and I don’t know wh—– SunnyVista

Woah, easy there Hufflepuff!  That question was getting a bit long and I was in danger of tuning out. Which is, by the way, exactly what you need to do in this case.  You shouldn’t be friends with this person.  The sort of person who would gather in circles with other strange women, reciting arcane words and looking for meaning, only to return home to their cats, crafts and soy milk…does this sound like a person you should associate with?  These people are weird, and bad news.  The less you have to do with someone that participates in book clubs, the better.

I just picked up a sweet new graphics-card for my PC and I’ve decided I’m going to look into a multiple screen (maybe even three screens!) setup for gaming and desktop applications.  Are there any types or brands of monitors that are the best choice? – XenoCrasher

I’ve got a really inexpensive option for you.  Buy yourself a standard 19 inch, no-frills computer monitor, and put it on your computer table.  Next buy yourself a plain, 19 inch mirror and place it directly adjacent to the left of your monitor, on a slight angle.  Then, whenever you get the notion to do something ridiculous and waste time and money like buying a second monitor for your home computer, I want you to look to the left of your screen.  Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself what is wrong with you and why can’t you be more sensible, or a better person, or maybe just less of an idiot.  If one mirror isn’t enough, you could always get a second and mount that to the right of your screen for the full triptych effect of personal reflection.

I’m planning a TV show themed birthday party for my husband and the shortlist of choices is down to two of his all-time favourites: Dr. Who or Quantum Leap.  I’m struggling to decide, please help! – AffablyMarried

“Help” is clearly the key word here, and it’s not you that needs it.  I have another TV show theme in mind: Intervention.  In time, maybe he can have a normal life, with the support of his family and friends, and perhaps even enjoy the television programs that well-adjusted people watch.

I’m a young 20-something male trying to teach my mother how to use a computer, however, every time I sit down to do it, I want to rip it from her hands and do it myself.  Do you have any advice? – Joshua F.

                I know the frustration of attempting to instruct someone else how to perform a task that I find perfectly clear and straightforward.  My nephew Foster struggles to this day to handle such basics as correct toilet paper roll positioning, crumb management in the margarine tub and effective placement of coasters on my coffee table.

But I’ve also been on the opposite side to you in the smart-alecky kid grudgingly shows his elder how to use technology scenario.  We may not be spring chickens, but given the requisite patience, mature adults can learn to use computers.  While I do revert to a typewriter for much of my correspondence, I’ve become quite the avid PC user.  I’ve surfed.  I’ve cut and pasted.  I’ve spread sheets and filed pages.  If I can pick this stuff up, certainly she can.

Training is about trying to find the right motivational tools.  Mothers want to know everything about what their children are doing, so it’s best to teach her using your computer.  A few fake folders named “Tattoo Ideas” or “Pictures of My Girlfriends” placed in conspicuous areas and she’ll be navigating the desktop and directories in no time.  You could pre-prepare a worryingly large collection of death metal music videos and songs to familiarize her with the most common media formats.  A marijuana activist website saved as your browser’s home page will encourage her to start exploring and clicking links at her own pace.  Trust me; your personal life is the secret to unlocking your mother’s latent PC potential.

I need some advice about the ladies. Nothing turns me on more than chicks with glasses.  Problem is, as I’m not a nerd myself, I don’t know the right play to pick-up nerdy girls.  I don’t really care about the sort of junk they would be into: I just want to seal the deal.  What’s the best move? – KingPlaya

                KP, the first thing you need to know about all women is they love a man who’s good with his hands.  You need to be able to make or repair stuff to really impress them and gain their respect.

                Start with something basic, but demonstrative.  Find yourself a standard ceiling fan installed in a room of average height.  Firmly attach the upper end of an L-shaped section of PVC pipe below one of the blades using a liberal amount of duct tape.  Then fill a 16 oz. boxing glove with marbles and affix the glove to the lower end of the pipe.  Stand under the blade and set the fan to the lowest setting.  If you find, after a few dozen shots to the head, you still feel the need to be an incorrigible dirt-bag, increase the speed setting as required.

Good luck out there, Romeo, and wear a cup.

I’m a huge Final Fantasy geek and my goal is to both a Cloud and Tifa tattoo (I’m thinking one on each arm) to really show my fandom. I gotta admit though, I’m a bit nervous about making that permanent commitment and I don’t want to hurt my career prospects.  Should I make sure the designs are small enough and positioned in an easy place to cover, or should I just be totally out there and display my FF love? – AdventChild

                There is a third course of action you haven’t mentioned.  Why not just stick with job choices where tattoos are more readily accepted?  There are plenty of openings for enterprising youngsters looking to become carnies, circus freaks, teamsters, longshoremen or pirates.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year.  I’m ready to kick things up a notch in the bedroom.  How can I get him to role-play with me?  I just want him to dress up as Batman and rough me up a bit: is there really anything wrong with that?  I need to find a subtle way to introduce the BDSM that I’ve been dying to try…but I don’t want to scare him off.  Any advice? – AllTiedUp

I’m not sure that subtlety is the correct route to take when you’re dealing with sanctioned bedroom roughhousing.  In the interest of keeping both of you injury free and out of prison, it’s probably best to be very clear with one another about appropriate boundaries, thresholds…safe-words etc.

In saying that, if you have had that conversation and are ready to get him in a feisty mood, I’d suggest a few reliable ways to get him riled up…from “nerd” perspective:

1. Non canonical outfit choices. For instance, if he asks you to dress as Catwoman for your preferred Batman scenario, turn up in a Black Cat costume. The incongruity will drive him nuts.
2. Refer to him as “Bruce Banner” instead of “Bruce Wayne”.
3. Mention in passing that Jason Todd was your favourite Robin.

I’ve started getting into table-top war-gaming and, by extension, painting the figures and models for my army.  I’m just wondering what is the best method to clean my brushes and keep them in good condition. Alcohol?  Turpentine?  Distilled Water?  Dish soap? – ChronoCommander

The purest liquid of all, Chrono: the tears your mother cries at the massive disappointment her son turned out to be.

And that concludes my personal choices (as if anyone else could decide) for the Best of Enthusiask for 2014.  We’re back to normal two weeks from now so please submit your requests for advice to Oliver@Enthusiacs.com.  Let me help you become a somewhat better you in 2015!