After a brief convalescence, I, Oliver Fiasco, have returned.  Enthusiask is open for business again under new (old) management.  Hours are from now to when I’ve had enough, at which point customers are to leave in a timely fashion.  I’m under doctor’s orders not to over-exert myself too much too soon, so overtime will not be an option, starved though you must be for proper advice from my absence.

Consider yourself fortunate that access to yours truly is as direct as this medium will allow.  No need to press “0” to speak to a representative after waiting an interminably long time listening to menus, sub-menus and hold music.  In this column, you either make the cut, or you don’t.  No ribbon for participation, I’m afraid.

Customer service, dear readers, is not what it used to be in the days of my youth.  I can recall when the most pressing decisions one had to make at the register was ‘paper or plastic’ or ‘cash or credit’.  With the advent of that most odious of innovations…the self-check-out…suddenly I’ve been forced into the role of data-entry specialist and bag wrangler.  Bringing my own re-usable bags?  Unfortunately, no longer an acceptable option: the one time I tried, I apparently must have appeared to be homeless as I was given loose change multiple times on my way to the grocery store.

Free advice of any worth is not a hand-out, to be tossed out lightly.  It is a gift, freely given, but expensive when one fails to heed it.  And much like customer service, it is a lost art: at least outside the confines of this column.

Onward!

Oliver, my girlfriend and I are both new to the whole ‘physical intimacy’ routine and neither of us have reliable source of advice regarding birth control.  We need inexpensive, but we also need foolproof.  I’d like to at least see if I can hold down a job for a year straight before I even think about fatherhood.  What do we do? – SolarWind

I suppose asking the childless man for contraceptive advice makes some degree of sense from your perspective but in truth you’re barking up the wrong tree.  The best suggestion I can make is for you both to start wearing those maddeningly frustrating button-fly jeans that have largely gone out of fashion.  If the mood does strike you, the odds of you ever managing to disrobe before the moment passes are low at best.  Abstinence by fashion, I call it.  The catch is you had also better invest in some reliable adult disposable briefs as you may also find yourself late when nature calls, fumbling with those idiotic buttons.  Happy canoodling!

Hey Oliver, I’m pretty sure I’m either of or close to your generation, so I’m sure you remember VHS tapes very well.  I’ve got quite a huge collection of stuff that I’ve been gathering over the years, numbering in the thousands of cassettes for certain.  I’m pretty handy with VCR repair but I fear it is only a matter of time before I have no reliable way to play this stuff.  I have been considering transferring it all over to physical or digital media for some time but it would be a massive undertaking and I don’t know the best way to go about it.  A lot of these films and shows are classics and I really don’t want to lose it.  What would you do? – JockHalloway67

                I’m not sure if you are aware of this but pornography is actually quite commonplace on the Internet these days– freely available, one might say.  There really isn’t any need to cling to the “classics”.  I’m sure with some rudimentary searching there is material for just about any taste, even those of an old salt like you.  Embrace the future, for the future is smutty!

I’m going to be buying my son an Xbox for his upcoming birthday.  The only problem is I don’t know what sort of bundle I should go for.  I don’t understand enough about these systems to know how big they are or how much is in them.  The guys in the game stores aren’t really much assistance in helping me size up the options.  I can’t seem to get a handle on this stuff and it’s starting to feel like a real weight on my shoulders… help! – MimsyBoots

                I field quite a lot of questions about gaming but I can’t recall ever being asked about lifting or transport issues.  Well if you want thing to be a surprise I suppose asking your son for help it is out of the question.  Perhaps a hand-truck or some sort of cart?  Delivery may also be an option from certain retailers.  Hopefully the guy delivering it will be up to the task of getting it safely in your home.  And shame on those lazy jerks at the game store for not offering to carry it for you – are there no gentlemen left in the world?

Though I’m still in high-school, my health teacher says it’s never too soon to start taking your dietary choices seriously.  Though we haven’t covered it in classes I keep reading or hearing a lot about gluten.  It seems I am eating it fairly often, but not excessive amounts.  Should I be concerned about limiting gluten or cutting it out altogether? – Bronze4Third

                Look, we all eat weird stuff or put things in our mouths when we are kids.  I’m sure I ate my fair share of paste or plasticine as a toddler and as a child Foster used to draw on his tongue with coloured markers.  I admit that high-school age seems a bit old to be eating compounds like gluten (whatever that is) but some bad habits are admittedly hard to kick and if it hasn’t killed you already I doubt it will.  Maybe wean yourself off it on something with a similar consistency, like porridge or gruel?

Dear Oliver, my friend and I are arguing over something.  I’m more of a Trekkie and he’s a loyal Star Wars nerd.  We both think our franchise is better.  Can you settle this for us:  which is king?  PS, your son Foster did a great job of covering for you!  He seems sweet and smart.  Is he single?  Maybe you should have him contribute more oft— SingleNerdlette

                As long as I’m alive and kicking, Foster fill-in columns will be strictly on an as needed basis.  I’m sure you’ll look forward to my next organ failure as much as my over-eager surgeon.  And might I point out that while the young man in question and I are indeed a tissue match, he is in fact my sister’s son and not the fruit of my loins.  In the interest of keeping those loins and, for that matter, the rest of me, intact, I’m hardly going to insert myself in the middle of the great Star Wars vs. Star Trek debate.  All you need to know about movies in general is that pretty much everything made since Death Wish 5 has been utter garbage.

This marks the end of Enthusiask for this time my friends, please come again.  Send your requests for advice to Oliver@Enthusiacs.com and if you want to include any belated ‘get well soon’ sentiments, be my guest.  Just don’t think that will make it any more likely that I will pick your letter – nobody likes a suck-up.