This is your System Administrator, Oliver Fiasco: please save your work and log-off immediately for critical maintenance.  What requires maintenance, you may ask?  Why, as always, the forlorn, demoralized readers of Enthusiask, looking to me for a quick fix, a work-around or patch for their various problems.  Everyone wants to become a version “2.0” of themselves, but few put in the effort to go much beyond “1.1”.

Have I mentioned how much I loathe computers?  I use them, of course, as we all do in this era, though I haven’t completely surrendered.  I still pull out my trusty Remington typewriter for these columns and I don’t turn to email on the occasions where a nasty, hand-written note would suffice.   Word processors may be convenient but the tactile sensations of banging away on metal keys or furiously scrawling away on paper is far more cathartic.  Spell-check, you say?  I learned to spell long ago myself, and based on the correspondence I receive each week I’m not convinced anyone actually uses it anyway.

My biggest issues with computers are, simply put, much like people, they inevitably let you down when you need them.  At least they’re upfront about it though – a PC will show you a blue-screen-of-death, a person often won’t even have the courtesy to tell they’ve failed you.  Take my near-somnambulant nephew, Foster, for example.   I go away for two weeks vacation last year and he forgets to handle taking out the garbage.  I arrived back and my home literally resembled the church in Alice’s Restaurant.

The moral is, don’t trust gizmos and gadgets, and don’t trust other people.  Rely on yourself as much as possible.  When you find you can’t rely on yourself, there’s always a friendly advice columnist around somewhere to steer you back on track…and when that friendly and incompetent columnist lets you down, come here for some real advice.

Well, let’s see who managed to stick a fork in the toaster of life this week.

Onward!

The craziest day of the year is approaching and I want to be better prepared this time.  What is the secret to getting the most out of Black Friday?  Should I be up at midnight?  I’m not afraid of making sacrifices to get the best bargains, but I’ve been burned before.  Sometimes bigger crowds bring out the devil in people.  I’ve got the scars to prove it!  What are your thoughts? – DoorNumberThree

                Even if I was qualified to talk about the intricacies of whatever dark rituals that comprise your belief system, I make it a point not to discuss religion in this column.  All I will say is that I hope whatever deals you’ve made are worth the price of your eternal soul.

I’m planning to visit relatives in Canada over the holidays.  Do you have any advice for ensuring a successful trip to the Great White North? – MapleGlazed

                My advice would be to postpone your visit, at all costs.  As year-end approaches, the ice sheet will descend, gradually enveloping everything down to the 49^th parallel.  Even if you do manage to scale your way in, travel will be impossible without crampons or snowshoes.  Given the latitude, the sun will likely have set in Canada by the time of the printing of this column, and won’t rise again before February.

                See if you can reschedule during the four to six week summer in July-August: the chances of survival will be much greater.  Also bear in mind, your relatives will probably only have limited food-stores and they don’t need another mouth to feed for the winter.  It’s just common courtesy.

Oliver, I work in customer service for a technology company.  Basically, I answer calls and emails from mostly angry people.  I’m finding it harder to keep my patience with them.  What do you recommend I should do to keep calm while the grumpy old men on the phone are yelling about parts or warranty information when they can’t even tell me what model number they have??? – GirlHatesPeople

                To deal with your adversary, you must understand the way he thinks.  The main source of frustration the typical “grumpy old man” has is the knowledge that he is rapidly running out of days on this Earth.  Having to deal with vital-sounding, cheery and young “whippersnappers” like yourself is an unwelcome reminder of his mortality.  Remove the negative stimulus and you’ll remove the trouble.

                Learn to affect the voice of a sweet old lady, elderly enough to outdate even the crustiest of callers.  Use a suitable alias, like perhaps “Gertrude”, “Beatrice” or “Pearl” to really sell the transformation.  Ask the customer to speak up from time to time for further realism.  They’ll instinctively be more polite, compliant and tolerant.  Disarm these cranky old coots with kindness and they’ll never know what him them.

A friend of mine has a birthday coming up and I I’m planning on getting him a copy of WWE 2K15.  I’ve noticed that there are a few deals where you can get the game itself bundled with a strategy guide for a reduced cost.  It seems like a good idea but then I started to consider…would he take offense to that?  I don’t want to come off as saying that he wouldn’t be able to handle the game without a strategy guide to help him.  What is the etiquette here? – DudeInToyland

                There is no right way to buy someone a wrestling video game.  The mere act itself implies either contempt on behalf of the purchaser for the intended and/or serves as confirmation that the receiver has a significant head injury, should the game be warmly received.

                Either way, the strategy guide sounds like a complete waste of money.  There can only be so many variations on punch, kick, body-slam, finishing move.  If your friend is smart enough to remember which day his birthday falls on I’m sure he can figure it out.

Oli, I’m at a crossroads. With Thanksgiving coming soon, I want to impress my significant other with my culinary mastery. Something to really impress her, but not come off as being more edible or superior to her less impressive kitchenary marvels.  I was thinking of doing a Seasonal Duck Carnita with an onion-based cilantro and lime sauce, a light potato and artichoke salad and saffron rice served with a nice 1974 Chateau Armando red wine.  I was also thinking of a beef Chateaubriand with Bearnaise Sauce, Argentinian asparagus stems in a light creamy white cheese sauce and, for authenticity, chateau potatoes drenched in a garlic butter sauce with a slightly chilled Alouette Pinot Noir.  And lastly, I was thinking of maybe something more exotic, maybe a smoked salmon Koulebiaka a la Russe, Pasta Puttanesca and Spicy Mediterranean Cucumber Salad…. and I was thinking maybe either a white Tiziano Prosecco or a Danuvergne Ranvier Cotes du Rhone Vin Gourmand Blanc – aged 10 years.  Maybe I’m over-thinking everything? Perhaps we should simply sit at the table with a nice traditional Roasted Stuffed Goose and Prunes in Armanac, like everyone else usually does this time of the year?  Any help would be appreciated. – Le Chef de la souffrance

                So, I ran your question through a French-to-English translator as I couldn’t understand what you were trying to say.  It turns out the only discernible problem I can see is that you’re a pretentious dick-bag.  Normally when a gourmand appears a bit round in the torso I would assume it was from overeating.  Not so in your case: you’re just naturally a stuffed shirt.  There are 364 other days a year to be a show-off in the kitchen; on Thanksgiving, you’re supposed to have turkey…or de la dinde if you prefer, Monsieur.

And here we close yet another edition of Enthusiask, dear readers. Please submit your requests for advice to Oliver@Enthusiacs.com or the discussion thread on our forums.  Fear not, I will return again in a fortnight, refreshed and ready for a new round of tiresome questions and deft responses.  The cycle continues…