Greetings to you, weary travellers.  Come join me by the fire as I, Oliver Fiasco, provide sage advice, in another instalment of Enthusiask.  Just keep a safe distance back so you don’t get hit by a stray ember.  I flunked out of the first-aid course I took a while back so I won’t be of much use if you burn yourself.  Apparently they frown on using bourbon whiskey as an antiseptic in a classroom setting.  Also, slapping the shit out of someone is not an approved resuscitation technique.  You live, you learn!

No, I’m afraid this medicine man has only the healing power of words to soothe you.  My hapless nephew Foster is another family member who’s had limited success in the medical sphere.  Prior to his career transition to janitorial services, he worked in a hospice care center.  He didn’t last long there – wasn’t too popular with the clientele, you see.  Given there are times I’d prefer to be dead than to deal with Foster as a roommate, I can sympathise with the thought of not wanting him around for my last days on Earth.

But let us move on to more pertinent matters.  Your pleas for advice are below.  How long before your sickening inanity makes the bile reach the back of my throat?  I give it two questions, tops.

Onward!

I’m living on my own for the first time and I’ve never had to set up internet at home before.  After a bit of research about services like ADSL, cable, fibre-optic etc, I’m more confused than when I started.  Do you have any advice about what is best? – SallyMetHarry

This is a problem I wrestled with for some time, so I understand your frustration.  These options are so difficult for a non-expert to compare, and frankly, all of them are too expensive.  Ultimately, it’s a choice that comes down to the best wire for the job.  And in my case, that wire happened to be one connected to my neighbour’s utility box, which is now patched in discreetly underground via a splitter to my home, providing problem-free internet for a one-time fee.  I had a buddy of mine with some “technical skills” do the work one night for a few hundred bucks when he was last out on parole.  I’ll email you his number but depending if he’s back in the clink, you may need to leave a message with his lawyer.  Either way, just tell him Oliver sent you (and if he asks, no I don’t have his leaf-blower).

After some convincing, my girlfriend has decided to give table-top RPG’s a chance.  She’s joined in on the D & D session that I DM on the weekend with some old friends, and rolled up a character of her own.  Thing is, I’m thinking that she’s not taking it seriously and she may just be making fun of me.  I’m not a very tall guy, and I have some facial hair.  And what does she decide to play as: a male dwarf, with the same hair colour as I have.  He’s also a loud drunk who’s always after the next tankard of dwarven ale he can find.  I just so happen to do home brew in my spare time – coincidence?  Should I be taking offense to this, or is this her idea of a tribute to me? – Randy StoutFellow

Well, Randy, using some information in your email signature, I was able to find your Facebook page without too much difficulty.  Having perused your photos I can confirm that you are definitely a short-arse with a neck-beard of epic proportions.  How you managed to convince this woman to be your girlfriend, much less participate in your make-believe games is beyond my comprehension.

I see from your timeline that you work in veterinary services, so let me put this terms that you’ll understand.  You’re no prized pig, so don’t look a gift-horse in the mouth, or you’ll end up in the doghouse.  I tried to work a cat saying in there somewhere but came up short…just like you Randy, next to the “Riders must be at least this tall to ride” sign at Six Flags.

I need to invest in a good gaming mouse; any tips for a newb? – ZergonPhonics

Much like thoroughbreds, the best mice typically come from a good pedigree, so breeding is an important factor.  With a dozen or more pups in a litter, it can be difficult to know which are the fastest or smartest maze-runners until they get a few weeks old.  Training is the key, however.  Have they been exposed to different types of cheeses?  Can they manage different maze constructions, wood, plastic, etc.?  Are you looking for an explosive sprinter, or a steady mouse that can handle long distances and finish strong with a burst of speed?

I was fortunate to get a few lucrative seasons out of my champion buck, Mr. Squeakers, before he went to that big skirting board hole in the sky.  I’ve always had the most success with feeder mice from pet-shops, sold as live food for reptiles.  I realise they’re not that intelligent but I swear they seem to have a sense of appreciation that they were spared from a terrible fate: it makes them train harder and run faster.  Old ‘Squeakers was a day away from being diamondback dinner when I rescued him and he could do the infamous Camembert Derby in 32 seconds flat.  Best of luck, my fellow mouser!

I heard they are doing a remake of It.  I wasn’t aware of It previously (I also never read the book It is based on), so I’m wondering if I should see It when It comes out with a totally unbiased set of eyes, or watch It first and then see what they do differently with the new It.  What do you think? – MovieBuffie

I wasn’t even going to respond to this question but I thought I’d include it in the column as an example to put a stop to this sort of nonsense.  I know I must seem really smart to you dear readers (almost inhumanly perceptive and gifted), but if you are going to write in, you need to give me something more to go on.  Given I have no idea What It is then I don’t know How I’m supposed to provide salient advice.  I don’t know Where people got the impression that I’m a mind-reader.  Help me out!

(It has since been pointed out to me that our own Dark Princess here at Enthusiacs may have some insight into It, and may be able to explain what It is.  I’ve always thought she was a bit deranged, given her unhealthy obsession with the macabre, but sometimes you find help in unexpected places.) 

My gaming budget is very limited and I really need to just pick one platform and stick with it for the foreseeable future.  Try as I might, I can’t make up my mind between a console or a gaming-PC.  I like the ease and convenience of a console and all the exclusive titles.  But PC hardware is adaptable and powerful and of course Steam is a really relevant factor as well.  What is the smart choice? – DeftDodger

Firstly, if your PC ever has steam issues, you really should look into cooling options.  I just covered that subject in a recent column that you may find useful.

Secondly, am I supposed to feel sorry for you that you can only afford one electronic entertainment platform?  When I was young, I got by with a lot less advanced technology than that.  Etch a Sketch, Rubik’s cube, jacks….the cup and ball on a string…an Easy-Bake Oven…

But, in the spirit of generosity, I’ll treat this as a serious problem.  The question you have to ask yourself, DD, is what is the most functional, multi-purpose device available?  You’ve listed some pros and cons, but I think perhaps you should look outside the box, so to speak: a hand-held metal detector!  Your local parks, beaches and neighbourhoods are a treasure-trove of missing coinage that is just waiting to be found.  After an initial purchase and factoring in ongoing expenses like sunscreen, in just a few months of steady coil swingin’ you should have enough shrapnel to put one of those gaming machines on layaway.  In the meantime, you’ll never lose your keys, ammunition or specimen pins around the house again.  Happy hunting!

Well, I’m at the end of my tether for this column.  And speaking of leashes, Cordelia desperately needs a good walk.  Poor girl got so bored she chewed up one of Foster’s orthopaedic shoes.  Submit your requests for advice to Oliver@Enthusiacs.com and remember get your pets spayed or neutered!  Maybe even throw in a dumbass nephew while you’re at it – really do the world a favour…